Walter "Killer" Kowalski

Rest In Peace
Walter "Killer" Kowalski
October 13, 1926 - August 30, 2008

A Fire Inside

My flames have died down, the water's been poured,
They've stomped out the embers, I guess they got bored.
The fire which once warmed them, was forced to burn out.
Now that it's gone, they'll miss it no doubt,
They'll walk on forever, leaving ashes behind them
They'll forget who they were, no one to remind them
They'll shamelessly shiver in this frigid cold weather,
Not knowing they were the glue that held me together.
They were what kept me alive, bringing my spirits higher.
My friends were what continuously fuelled this ever-fading fire.


Up until very recently, I had written off my friends as unreliable and unpredictable to the point where they had become predictable. I'd make plans and get excited and then minutes before, they would cancel on me or rain check it. Honestly, it pissed me off to no end, and now that I've begun to look back and think about it, I mean really think it through, I've found the truth. I've been blaming all of my problems and inadequacies in my life on my friends. Now, of course I hadn't come out and said it to their faces, but I sure as hell thought about it. The truth is that my friends and family are THE sole reason I am who I am and me being the unappreciative fuck-up that I am, wasn't paying attention to anything besides my own loneliness and heartbreak.
I'd sit home and either cry and be a bitch about being cancelled on or I'd just sleep everything off, sometimes even cry until I slept things off. I'd like to think I'm past that now, and I'll explain why. I blamed my friends for being unreliable and causing me to just say fuck everything and sleep until I felt better. It's not their fault in the least. It's my own. I'm too nice and I get too emotionally involved in things. I've always been the guy to take everything to heart and worry too much. Those may be things I can't control because they're my personality and how I am. What I can control is not getting down over the small things. Sure I can still feel like shit and forgotten, but what I need to do after that is get my ass moving again and find some way to further my life and work toward something I want. Every time someone bails on me it's because they either got a better offer or it's because they're doing something to make their future brighter while I sit here and dwell on the fact my life is a downward spiral. I have to get my ass up, dust myself off, swallow my pride and move the fuck on and up.

I love my friends and family to death and I've focused so much time blaming them that I've neglected my own well being. If I'm ever going to get anywhere, I gotta keep my mouth shut, keep my eyes forward and keep sprinting toward the finish line and when I get there, run through it as fast as I can, never look back and never stop until I physically can't go on anymore, drop to my hands and knees and keep crawling.

They're not the problem, nor have they ever been. I'm the sole problem in my life and since I've always been that problem solver, it's time to do work.

By your side

That's not what I said, you must've misheard,
Most times I stutter and I fuck up my words.
I'm totally fine, not sick in the least,
When reality is; I'm filled with disease.
My stomach turns and I start to feel ill,
everything's spinning yet I'm standing still.
Covered in sweat, I'll still huddle near,
'Cuz when I'm by your side, you've got nothing to fear.

Letia Pendleton-Pichon

I did not know her personally, but I feel compelled to still show respect to her.
It's sad as well as selfish to think of how I was having so much fun and enjoying Tuesday while a family was in mourning of such a young life taken way too soon. My condolences to her family and friends.
-
This wasn't how it's supposed to be
[In loving memory]
And now I'm torn with misery
[In loving memory]
I won't forget you please don't me
[In loving memory]
This wasn't how it's supposed to be
[In loving memory]
-
Rest In Peace
Letia Pendleton-Pichon
(February 12, 1985 - August 12, 2008)

22

My song for the day:
"Happy Birthday"
Weird Al style!
-
Happy birthday
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday
Happy birthday to you

Well, it's time to celebrate your birthday, it happens every year
We'll eat a lot of broccoli and drink a lot of beer
You should be good and happy that there's something you can eat
A million people every day are starving in the street

Your daddy's in the gutter with the wretched and the poor
Your mama's in the kitchen with a can of Cycle Four
There's garbage in the water
There's poison in the sky
I guess it won't be long before we're all gonna die

Happy birthday
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday
Happy birthday to you

Well, what's the matter little friend, you think this party is the pits
Enjoy it while you can, we'll soon be blown to bits
The monkeys in the pentagon are gonna cook our goose
Their finger's on the button, all they need it an excuse

It doesn't take a military genius to see
We'll all be crispy critters after World War III
There's nowhere you can run to, nowhere you can hide
When they drop the big one, we all get fried

(Come on boys and girls, sing along, ok?)

Happy birthday
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday
Happy birthday to you
wow! (background screaming, sound effect)

Well there's a punk in the alley and he's looking for a fight
There's an Arab on the corner buying everything in sight
There's a mother in the ghetto with another mouth to feed
Seems that everywhere you look today there's misery and greed

I guess you know the Earth is gonna crash into the sun
But that's no reason why we shouldn't have a little fun
So if you think it's scary, if it's more than you can take
Just blow out the candles and have a piece of cake

Happy birthday
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday
Happy birthday to you
wow!

Happy birthday
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday
Happy birthday to you

(Happy Birthday!)

And a pinch to grow an inch!

Clouded Minds, Sunny Skies

Ok, here is where I get serious. There are no poems or pictures, no neat little rhyming schemes or song lyrics of how I feel. No, this is where I'm trying to save a friend from brainwashing and filth being taught to them...

I was raised a legit, go to church every Sunday Catholic. I went through CCD, I went to confession and honestly, I was a very religious person. I helped out around the parish and did work to clean up and such. Right up until the parish I attended was slated to be closed, I was climbing my way up to the top of the religious rollercoaster. The day that my parish was closed and all of the parishioners joined together and went into vigil (directly because of the whole sex abuse scandal, whether they admit it or not), it made me question anything and everything I'd ever been taught. I stuck it out with that vigil and I slept up there at least three or four times a week to make sure I was a part of keeping my church open. the day the church reopened, I lost all of the faith I'd ever had. This story goes on for a while, but I'm trying to illustrate the faith, love, heart, and soul I put into my religious beliefs and how it was futile to continue on with.

Now I would NEVER tell anyone what to believe or how to live their life, but when something like this happens and a friend is obviously being brainwashed, I have to at least vent my frustration. It started a few months ago when I really started to understand how close-minded some of these religious teachings have become. We had a conversation about how being gay was condemned by the Bible and that if you are gay, you must pray to be cured. This made me furious, especially because if God loves everyone no matter what...how can it be justified that sexual orientation is wrong? it makes me sick to think that anyone would believe that being gay is a disease, or a sickness or a choice people have made. Honestly, if you believe any person would choose to be gay, especially nowadays where the world's perception of "alternative lifestyles" is so warped and jaded that people are scared to death to admit they're gay, then you are (in the nicest possible way) a fuckin' ignorant prick. I could go on for hours on why "religious" views on being gay are so ridiculous, but that's not why I'm writing this.

Here is the straw that broke the camel's back. I was told today that this friend of mine was told that she could no longer read this series of books because her pastor told her that the books were spiritually unhealthy and that they were part of the occult...and apparently they were instilling some bad mantra into her and she had gotten a heightened sense of fear. She went on to cite having a panic attack over a spider and that she was told she was arguing lately as the reasons she asked about the book... Ok, first of all, do you hear what you're saying? You're claiming that a book written by a stay at home soccer mom, about the romance between a teenage girl and a teenage vampire (That is my understanding at least, I could be off) is letting loose bad spirits and thus making you a little irritable?...really?...a fucking book? The kicker is she was so excited and had gone to a release party for the last book in the series and had a great time...and then I hear she is no longer gonna read these books because a woman who lives "by the Book" says it's got some bad juju surrounding it? Does anyone else see how fuckin' dumb this sounds? Ok, I'm going to stop there before it gets personal and I begin to attack the integrity, morals, ethics and character of a person who I don't know.

I'll conclude with one last thought I have.

If you live your whole life by a book (that has been passed down and translated into so many languages that it has very possibly lost the original meaning written in it) in hopes that it gets you into heaven and you can enjoy your afterlife...then why bother living your present life at all?
____________
Final note: I'm not an atheist by any means, although I'm not sure if you'd call me agnostic either...but I do have a brain and a heart and I'd prefer to use those to make my own decisions along with common sense.

Seeking solace in the tears of my downfall.

Ran out into the rain, away from all my fears,
It masked my obvious pain, it washed away my tears.
----
Took back the reigns and hopped in the saddle,
determined to gallop through and win this losing battle.