The Vicious Cycle

I've been sick from the start
of your tricks on my heart.
I'm sick of the lies you've spoken,
and sneakin' 'round hearts you've broken.
You've had your fun, don't act stunned,
you've stolen my heart and now we're done.
You turn and you run, as the tears 've begun,
mascara and blood become a river of one,
the blood of your sins have covered your hands,
symbolic of the hearts you've crushed into sand.
The black from your eyes runs down your face,
showing your true feelings of pain and disgrace.
The life you lead is not one you've chosen,
It stems from your innocence long ago stolen.
Your heart was broken at the hands of a liar,
He held you and told you “my love is like fire”,
His passion was burning, heart filled with desire.
When he left you that day and told you goodbye,
you felt lost and alone, but too scared to cry.
It hurt so much you hoped you would die,
they warned you he'd lie, but you gave him a try.
He hurt you so bad, you never once blamed him,
He left you in darkness, your lights had been dimmed.
No, you blamed yourself and everyone around you,
You'd felt that pain, and now they'll feel it too.
It'll make you feel better, it has to, it must!
So you've broken their hearts and stomped 'em to dust,
You wear that dust like glitter on your face,
Most girls wear make-up, but not in your case.
You leave bits of glitter at every guy's place,
'Till all of it's gone with none left to waste.
Is it better now? Is your heart healed?
Nope, and it's “even worse than the pain that they must feel”...
'Cuz you're hurting bad, and you don't know why.
You feel lost and alone, and too scared to cry.
It hurts so much you hope that you'll die..
That's when I saw you, in tears, walk by,
They warned me you'd lie, but I gave you a try.
I saw your true beauty when I looked in your eyes
Something was wrong, though I didn't know what,
Couldn't put my finger on the feeling in my gut.
As life's progressed your hatred's become heated,
but you'll never learn, and the cycle's repeated...

I'm glad you're perfect! Gold star for you!

The saying about taking a bullet for your friend is very well know. It's said quite a bit, and sometimes it seems more like something that friends say and would probably not really act on. More of a formality of sorts, I guess. The reason I bring this up is because I've been thinking about how people react to suicide. The "coward's way out" or "the most selfish thing you can do" are thrown around quite a bit. I love the people who say they can't respect someone for killing themselves. It always gives me a good laugh. You also hear "strong" people saying that they should take it like a man, stick it out for their family and friends. I just think it's so great that other people can judge stuff like that when they don't half the bullshit that causes it. Who the fuck are you to tell someone their life's work is wasted because they killed themself?
Dose anyone EVER think about what that person was going through, or their reason? No, they don't. Fuck you if you think they did it to get recognition and be known. How the fuck do they enjoy being known if they're dead? People are so damn narrow-minded and stupid nowadays it makes me sick. It' beautiful to see that all these people's lives are so amazing that they can criticize other's choices and talk down to the dead. Haha, all you can do is laugh at their ignorance.
If I were to take my own life, which is a very real possibility, I can compare that to taking a bullet for the ones that I hold close...and my friends. Think about it, I'm saving them from my constant disappointments and me letting them down. It's kinda like I'm saving them from the pain I have/will cause(d) them. I'll take a bullet for them and die, while they get to live their life and not suffer alongside my depressing existence. makes perfect sense to me. Would I still be a coward running away from my problems?...or would I be a hero for stopping the BIG problem in other's lives?...myself. So I ask of you, please, the next time you hear of someone killing themselves, remember how perfect you are and how you've never done anything wrong, and how you could never possibly be that selfish...then go swallow a knife you fucking ignorant bastard. What if you were to find out later that your name was mentioned in their suicide note? Are they still selfish because they spared your life and instead of dealing with the awe-inspiring enigma that you see yourself as, they committed suicide? They could have just as easily killed you and then themselves, but no, they decided not to take your bullshit anymore and take themself out, and allow you to shine on. Prick.
---
"Thank goodness you're perfect, I was worried for a second that we ran out of self-righteous dickheads, thanks for filling in!"

Not much, but it's something.

Just a small piece I wrote a little while ago. Nothing special, but it's something.

I'd give you a gun,
but I know you'd be scared...
I'll do this myself...
So your life is spared...
Before you leave, I'll tell you a story
I'll point out the stars and tell of their glory,
I'll make a comparison between love and the moon,
Then she'll run along, I lie: " It'll be over soon",
As shes leaves, and disappears from sight,
The tears I'd fought back with all of my might,
cascade down my face as I prepared to fight.
I took out my knife and buried the blade,
fell to the ground and that's where I laid,
I prayed I would die, and prayed and prayed.
I could picture my grave, but no headstone, no flowers...
I opened my eyes for the first time in hours,
sat straight up and looked around
threw off the covers while I felt my heart pound
I fell to my knees and started to cry,
Looked out my window and towards the sky.
I screamed and I cried and then wiped my eyes.
To most it'd be an awful nightmare of course.
But to me, it's a happy dream, for my life is far worse.
---

I've been trying to take my mind off of everything and try to find my reason to keep going. I'm just searching for that one small bit of hope, that one reason to keep going, no matter how small it is....I can only hope I find it soon.

--

"I can’t face myself when I wake up
And look inside a mirror
I’m so ashamed of that thing
I suppose I’ll let it go
Until I have something more to say for me
I’m so afraid of defeat
And I’m out of reasons to believe in me
I’m out of trying to defy

I’m so afraid of the gift you give me
I don’t belong here and I’m not well
I’m so ashamed of the lie I’m living
Right on the wrong side of it all

Hold me now I need to feel complete
Like I matter to the one I need..."

- "The Gift" by Seether

untitled

I don't have any poems, no lyrics to songs, and no pictures this time. There will be no cryptic message, no catchy rhyming scheme. There will be no sugar coated way of saying this, so here goes.
I'm depressed. Now I don't mean I'm sad, I don't mean I'm sick. I mean I'm flat out depressed. When I wake up in the morning all I can think is why? What the fuck else do I have to accomplish before I die. Why must I be put through this hell again. I go to bed begging that I die. There's not much I can do right, and there's even less that matters. I've decided that I won't kill myself...not yet. I want to see just how bad I can hurt, just how sick I can feel. It's more of a way to see how I strong I really am. It's not some "I like pain" feeling. it's not a way to make me feel alive, it's not even a way to "punish me for my sins in life". It's just my way of seeing that if everything happens for a reason, let's see this reason. Let's see how "worth it" my "not easy" life is. I don't cut myself, I don't self mutilate, I just live. I don't know what else to do. Is there some big picture that I'm not seeing? Is there something more that I can do to help someone and then I'll die? I just don't know anymore. I'm alone mentally, physically, and emotionally, and that's not fun. Please, if you have any suggestions on what I should do, let me know. I'm not going to take pills, or drink. Therapy nor medication has helped, and it won't. Don't give me the you just didn't give it a chance bullshit. I did give them a chance, 10 years of a chance. Fuck it. I'm heading to sleep now, maybe I'll get my wish and never wake up. Even if I don't wake up, I'll probably stay in bed for awhile. I have no reason to get up, so what's the point? So, in the ideal situation that I don't wake up, thanks for reading...

Broken Promises...

I'm sorry, but I can take this no longer. I see many people for some reason like this quote, and I'm here to ask why?...
"No one said it would be easy, they only said it would be worth it."
I'd like to meet this "they" and kick their teeth down their throat. Explain how a 7 year old kid who gets hit by a drunk driver and dies instantly is worth it. Explain how a 7 year old kid who gets hit by a drunk driver and then is a vegetable 'til the end while the driver walks free to maim again is worth it.
Being positive is one thing. Giving people false hope and lying to them telling them it'll be OK, when you have no fucking clue that it will, is something I can't respect.
Don't tell me I'll be fine, or that I'll make it through, if you don't know that for sure. You honest people are completely oblivious to the fact that that is a blatant lie. It's one thing to be there for someone and make sure they get through OK, but it's a cop-out to say it and then not help them through. If someone is hurting, help them, don't just tell them positive things to cheer them up. If you really care about someone, and they're hurting, make sure that you are there to kick their ass back into gear. If you aren't going to be there for them any time, then how can you call yourself a friend?
"I'm here for you, so if you need anything, let me know."
No, if you were here for me, you'd meet me face to face and help me through. Saying that phrase shouldn't be a formality, it should be a promise. Don't say it if you're not going to back it up. I won't think anything less of you if you don't say it to me, say "I hope you feel better" or whatever, but don't lie. If you say it and then don't back it up, then I will think less of you.
Enjoy your Friday night.
---
"You're no superhero, I found in the end" - "Lie To Me" by 12 Stones

Missed opportunities?

Did I miss my chance at my one true love?
Did I shrug off that angel from above?
Did I leave her alone and not even know?
Is she hiding her pain deep below?
Is she closer than I could have thought?
Will she get away without being caught?
Is she hurting and no one's there
while I hurt and no one cares?
Is she hiding in the shade?
Is her cover of darkness one that I've made?
Have I lost my mind and gone insane?
Have all these poems been written in vain?
If I wrote millions more, what would I gain?
Have they been written to mask the pain?
Shift the focus from her over time,
Will she perish or finally be mine?
I talk of my pain and heartache
and complain of the happiness I have to fake.
Have I overlooked my one true love?
It's the story of life, and it is never fair,
but this is my curse, my cross to bear.

Mic Check...Check...1...2...

Teenage angst has paid off well
Now I'm bored and old
Self-appointed judges judge
More than they have sold

If she floats than she is not
A witch like we had thought
A down payment on another
One at Salem's lot

Serve the servants - Oh no
That legendary divorce is such a bore

As my bones grew they did hurt
They hurt really bad
I tried hard to have a father
But instead I had a Dad

I just want you to know that I
Don't hate you anymore
there is nothing I could say
that I haven't thought before

Serve the servants - oh no
That legendary divorce is such a bore

________
This song has always held deep meaning for me. It's up there as one of my favorite Nirvana songs. This is actually the first song I heard years ago when I was feeling down, and it got me thinking. What the hell does he mean. This was the beginning of a lifetime of deep thoughts. When I hear a song, I focus more on the lyrics first, while still taking in the whole atmosphere of it. I guess it distracted me just enough to ease the pain for a bit, and I continue to do it subconsciously. It's odd how one person can explain his outlook on life, and make you open your eyes and feel better. Someone very close to me recently did exactly that. He's someone I've ALWAYS looked up to and have known quite a while. I'm proud to say that I've saved the world with him, even if it was only just a game. We've dueled to the death on multiple occasions with dragons, necromancers, ogres, minotaurs, swamp rats, and mages doing our bidding. We've shot each other with the golden gun and both lived to tell about it. We've fought off terrorists and sometimes counter-terrorists together. He taught me to understand the power, strength and awe of Brock Samson. Hell, he even kills zombies in his spare time on weekends. I'm proud to say that I watched him give the valedictorian speech before he crossed that stage. He's the first person to make me cry tears of joy in well over 5 years. He showed me that someone does actually care, and that means a hell of a lot to me.

I'd like to end this post by quoting one of my earlier ones, "Is it crazy to believe that a 5 minute thought and the presence of someone who cares could help a person make a recovery"

"yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive"

Do I have your attention? Do you know what I mean?
Does your life feel like a poorly written scene,
an editorial magazine, or a nightmare of a dream?

Give me a chance I just might surprise you, take it or leave me, You'll start to despise me, you won't believe me.

I tell it like it is,
but I won't let you hurt,
even after you've run my heart through the dirt.

I'm here for you always, so know it's true, I'm your problem solver, so use me abuse me and dump me when you're through.


I tell it like it is,
but I won't let you hurt,
even after you've run my heart through the dirt.

Presenting

As he thought about it even more, he decided that this is "What Boston Dreams For", and as his life ended abruptly, so did Boston's Dreams...

Follow the street signs in you heart.

If you walk far enough down Depression Blvd., you'll come to Desperation Intersection, keep going straight and *maybe* you'll find yourself on Easy Street and then eventually you can take the train back to the city of Happiness. However, if you turn onto either of the other streets, which are Suicide Ave. (a short one way dead end road) or the dreaded False Hope Rotary where it always seems that you'll get home eventually (even though you won't, but you still believe you're happy) then you've gotten nowhere... Choose wisely.

The Downward Spiral

It's been a rough time for me lately. My friends and relatives are all moving on and growing up, and I'm stuck where I am. What sucks even more is how I've been feeling. I've fell on black days in the past, and I never had many people to talk to about it, and even less people who would care to listen. Since then if I ever hear that someone is having a rough time dealing with something, I've made sure I'm there for them. Nobody should have to deal with depression on their own. I know what that's like, and it's not easy.
Lately, I've been struggling with some heavy depression myself. It's weird because friends are going to be there for you all the time...or at least that's what they say ("I'm your friend, and that's what friends are for."). But where are my friends? I've done everything I possibly can to let friends know how deep this goes. People don't understand how bad it has gotten (or maybe they just don't care). It's sad because I've made sure every last one of them knows I'm there for them ALWAYS. My cell phone is ALWAYS on, and I pick it up at any time of day. Do I blame them for not trying to help? No, not at all, everyone has their own troubles, and they deal with things differently. I've gone as far as telling close friends that when I go to sleep at night, I always tell myself that it'll be better tomorrow, I'll be fine tomorrow, and I know I'm lying, and the only way things could get better is if I never wake up. I've even said countless times to countless "friends" that if I had a choice to stay alive and live this way for the rest of my life or die, and be done with it all, I'd choose death.
I live in constant pain (emotional, mental and physical) and there's nothing I can do for any of it. I've become very good at hiding my true feelings about life and certain things going on around me, but I can't hide it anymore. I'm done lying to everyone. I've been heavily depressed for about 2 years now. I've spent countless all-nighters writing anything I can about things I experience or feel, and just thinking everything over. It's not something a pill or drug can fix, and I would never resort to any of that anyways.
I'm sick of hearing to keep my friends and family in mind. Why should I? What have they done for me lately? Why haven't any of them realized that I've been seriously contemplating suicide for the past 6 months? Hell, I'd say 3/4 of the time I'm online my away message pertains to something about suicide or my depression becoming even more unbearable. I'm sorry, but if I'm friends with someone, and I start seeing away messages talking about ending pain and suffering, and resorting to suicide, I would immediately go and meet to that person face to face and talk them down from it. Not one person has asked if I'm Ok, or if I need to talk. Well fuck them. Let's see how much you really THINK you care when you find out I took my own life. It shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone who is a true friend.
Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I'm going to kill myself now, but the thought has been pencilled into my mental to-do list for quite a while. Does that scare any of my friends? I don't know. Will they ever read this and realize how serious I am? Probably not. Would I give a rat's ass if they read this and do say something to me? Nope, but it'll be interesting to see who thinks they're my friend, and who knows it.

Now I have to tell you that I do have two friends who have talked with me lately, and they completely understand what's going on, and we've been talking back and forth quite a bit. They are my true friends, and I'll explain why. They've admitted that they don't know completely what I'm going through, and they've both told me that they won't bullshit me and tell me that everything'll be fine and that I'll get better. They both agreed that they don't know for sure whether they'll see me again, and that if I kill myself, they would be very upset, but they'd understand. I know that they're talking from their heart, and they'd never bullshit me.
Don't tell me what you think I want to hear, tell me the truth. Don't try to make me feel better, 'cuz you'll just get me more pissed at you. but if you're going to call me your my friend, make sure you back it up.
--------

"A friend is nothing but a known enemy"

"I Hate Myself And Want to Die"

The title of this blog is the name of a [lesser known] Nirvana song. The story behind the name is that Kurt wanted to poke fun at how everyone thought he was suicidal. The song lyrics made no clear mention of anything even remotely close to the title. That's what fascinates me about him. He was such a free spirit that even (close to) 14 years after his death, he is still so widely debated. his lyrics were so simple, and to the average ear who wouldn't think about the lyrics, it'd be just odd lyrics. There is so much speculation about his songs having double meanings (this is also true with Layne Staley and Jerry Cantrell's styles of Alice In Chains). No one can really say for certain nowadays what each song meant or the meanings, if any, behind the lyrics, but everyone still tries to make sense out of them (he had explained some of the lyrics before, but was he telling the truth, or was he makin' up stories to tell the heavily despised media?). Are people looking way too far into it? Are people giving him too much credit for thinking of "nonsensical" lines strung together, when the songs were nothing more than just that? Was he fooling us all and there was such an easy explanation for each song? I don't have the answers to any of those questions, and to tell you the truth I'd rather not find them out. I think it would take away the mystery that surrounded the legend of Kurt.

After watching About A Son a few times, I've renewed my interest in the mysteries surrounding Kurt Cobain. If I ever DID find out the truth behind him and all of the the other bullshit, I'm not sure I would tell anyone about it anyway...

The possible cryptic nature of his songs interests me even more now because of the writing style I've become accustomed to. I've always had a sense of mystery or uncertainty to my work. I feel it tends to help people remember them better. It provokes thought process which I guess is also a type of subliminal messaging. If I hear a song with "off" lyrics, it makes me think about their true meaning. It might be because I always analyze things WAY too much, or maybe it's because music is my life, and I enjoy doing it. Either way, it helps me try to relate to the writer and try and understand their mindset and personality. I've always been fascinated by people, and I've made a habit of trying to read people by their actions. You'd be amazed how much you can learn by watching people's mannerisms. Watch their facial expressions, study their hand movement habits, are they looking you in the eyes? Are they changing their habits partway through the conversation? If so, listen to the tone of their voice, and watch what they do with their feet. It's something I've been working with since I was young. I've become very good at listening and "profiling", if you will. it's not to belittle people, it' just something I just do. Most of the things I've grown accustomed to are due to my bipolar disorder. I have quite a few OCD qualities about me. They used to be quite a hardship, but over time I've learned to deal with them and put them to good use. That's pretty much my random post for the night, so hopefully someone cares. I'm going to end with a quote from a great guy who died way too young. (I've mentioned him in another post, the one about drinking). This is for you Marsh:

"So I'm standing there, and this knucklehead's lecturing me on how I should act the way Steve tells me to, because someday I'll be glad he's on my side... I was just about to ask him who Steve was and why he decided to tell me all this randomly. I mean he could have picked any other person on the T, but I'm his target...when THE greatest thing happened. He looks me in the eye and goes, "Hold on man, some homeless kid is standing here and staring me down. It's really creeping me out, I'll call you back.". he kept gawking at me and yells in a total outside voice, "WHAT?!". I did what any other "homeless" kid would do in that situation...I asked him for change, and when he gave me a dollar, I asked if he needed help finding his way down the yellow brick road to the Oz that is God. He totally caught me off guard when he said yes, so I gave him his dollar back, and got off at the next stop. I never bluffed on the T again. I also started taking showers, I changed my clothes more frequently, and brushed my hair and shaved my beard...Moral of the story...if you're homeless, you need a gimmick to make money...or be able to think REAL quick on your feet." - "'Epic' Nicky Marsh"
Rest in Peace buddy, Hopefully you get to fight all the "busty ninja vampire witches with obsidian katanas" all night long and then buy each one of them a giant 'OK Soda' float.

The "Black Joy" Entry

Well, today I FINALLY found it. About 4 years ago I filled up a 100 page spiral bound notebook, and it disappeared about a month after I finished. I have been looking for it ever since. I found it today, and after reading through, I was almost sick to my stomach. The whole notebook was filled with disturbingly descriptive accounts of my days, and it's extremely hard for me to think back at how much pain I was feeling. It was something I had to read though. It was a time I had blocked out and now that I've read it, it's given me so much more to think about and consider for future writings. the most beautiful, yet equally disturbing entry was the very last one. It ended perfectly on the very line on the very last page of the notebook. It seemed like it was planned out exactly on where it would end. Here's the very last part. I've edited it a litte for content (there were quite a few harsh things that do not need to be posted). Here it is:

"He pulled a knife on me and demanded my wallet. I looked him in the eyes and told him to stab me. I elaborated, "If you need money that bad, prove it. I worked for this money, and if you want it, you will too." He threw me a look of confusion, and, never once breaking eye contact, I continued "If you're not going to be a man and kill me, get out of my way." After standing there and staring him in the eyes for about 30 seconds of silence, he just shook his head, and walked away. Was I nervous? At first I was, then I realized I had nothing left to lose, now that she was gone I had nothing left. Why didn't that rat bastard pull the trigger? Truth be told, if he came up and asked for money, I would've gladly given it to him. I'm not really sure why I didn't give him my wallet. After all, I was heading to Whortleberry, razor blades in tow, to open my wrists and go quietly. Nobody ever understood (or cared) how serious it had gotten. I had already arranged EVERYTHING. I had money set aside for my after death costs along with plans on what it would amount to and what to do. My will was written up, and my explanation, apologies and goodbyes were on their way once the word was spread. I made sure that when I was gone, I would no longer be a burden to ANYbody. Of course it was still selfish to kill myself, but I made sure that they would know I was thinking of their well being more than mine. This was for THEM. Is it weird that some punk who wanted to rob me and possibly hurt me saved my life? I went home instead of Whortleberry that night. I had a new outlook on things, and I was grateful for that delinquent's encounter with me."
---
Also in this notebook were the apologies, goodbyes, my will and my explanation. I also found a small envelope duct taped to the inside of the back cover. Inside the envelope were two razor blades, one with SORRY etched into it and the other with the "emergency word" that my family had decided on when we were young, so if someone came to tell us that something bad had happened, we'd know it was true when they said that word. I guess it was my way of telling everyone that I was truly in trouble. Disturbing, yet beautiful.

I love my "friends"

I have a problem, you don't have time.
I tell you I'm hurt, you say I'll be fine.
You think you know, you don't have a clue.
My life's over no thanks to you.
I need to talk, you don't care.
Well fuck you, oh, so what, now you're scared?
I raised my voice for the first time in years.
I've lost my life, and you're the one in tears?
I hate to see you broken down,
So turn that frown upside down!
You've got a problem, I don't have time.
It's Ok, I know you'll be fine.
------

"Nobody dies a virgin, Life fucks us all"

My well being...

Ok, I've been going on just under a month with something fierce kicking my teeth in. I've been sore as bullocks, dead tired (even after getting my normal night's sleep), and throwin' down some gnarly coughing fits. Last week however, the soreness dulled a little (or I just got used to it), and I was feeling somewhat better. Which brings us to Monday afternoon, I started to feel light-headed and then my head started pounding. My coughing has since become increasingly more violent and happening more often, and now my ribs have started to hurt (on top of my kidneys and lower back area). I know I should definitely see a doctor, but I'm kinda between a rock and a hard place on that issue which I won't get into now.
I've been doing quite a bit of sketching and writing as of late to keep my mind off this, so I've filled 18 spiral-bound notebooks since August, with 4 of them done in February. I'll be posting some of those pieces (when they are more refined) soon hopefully. Well, there's not much more to write about currently, so I'll just end here. Thanks for reading.

__________
No mother ever dreams that her daughters gonna grow up to be a junkie.
No mother ever dreams that her daughters gonna grow up to sleep alone.
- "Thrash Unreal" by Against Me!

**Disclaimer**

I'm not sure if anyone will read this, but I figured I'll explain this blog a little bit more in depth. I write all of these posts from my heart, some of them however may be exaggerated (for lack of a better word) a little. Thus far however, the only exaggerations have been about my current situation.
I actually have it pretty good currently. I have a job (it isn't completely steady, but it is a decent income, and it's something I enjoy doing). I do have friends, just very few. The few I have I would do anything for. They've been there for me through thick and thin, and I can't leave them out. Besides those few items, everything else is my own thoughts...

The main reason I'm writing this blog was not only to share my thoughts, but I am also sharing stories about a character (Nick Murphiez) in a script I've been writing. Unfortunately, I'm contractually not able to reveal too much about the script as it is still in the "final" stage, and is still supposed to be kept quiet. I'm quite stoked about it though, so I'll be revealing small bits of info when I get the OK from the "man". It's actually in part where "Suiciduality Allstar" comes from. I've always had ideas in my mind, and this is apparently the way they're going to become reality. Let me just say that if this all works out, it will open quite a few eyes on different subject, and I hope it will have the effect on most that the few who know about it have felt. So, keep checking back.

Golden Hearts on the Black Market

I know no one will ever read my blog, but in hope that someone will find this by mistake and maybe care enough to read it, I'm going to continue.

Lately I've been writing quite a bit of my thoughts in hopes of making them into some new songs. Here's some of the newest material I've been throwing around. keep in mind at this time it's just a bunch of random thoughts oh the subject of having a "heart of gold". (No real order, just mixed thoughts)
I've been told I'm blessed with a heart of gold. of course there's always a downside to everything... The downside of a golden heart is that it's quite a rarity [and thus extremely valuable] nowadays. The owner is usually tricked and lead on pretty easily (the curse of the golden heart) and in the blink of an eye that this once very sought after piece has been stolen. it sucks because if you let down your guard for too long (which can be even a split second's time) it's goen and the only thing left is a heart shaped void. A stolen heart (as well as a broken heart which is also quite a common thing when you are the owner a golden heart) is sadly usually the beginning of a long period of suffering, which when even the most physically, mentally, and emotionally fit are presented with this maze of suffering, there is not much chance of surviving...much less recovering the remains if the once sacred, precious, and priceless artifact. (Usually when a heart of gold is stolen, it usually breaks down and deteriorates after even a brief separation from the owner. When it becomes a reality that the owner an piece might nevr be re-united, it will begin to shut down and lose it's golden qualities. If one does happen to make it through that maze of suffering successfully and never giving up, the toll taken from the journey is enough to cripple even the mightiest and most methodical of warriors. If one is to successfully finish the maze in a timely manner, they must still face a strenuous test ahead. The test is to see how much dust and fragments they can pick up and glue back together before they give up and realize that it'll never fully be healed.
Is a heart of gold still truly a blessin?...is it a curse?..Could it be a mixture of both?
you try to keep your guard up around that magnificent specimen encased in your chest, but thieves come in all shapes, sizes, races, species and and any other forms found in life.
So no matter who you let in to share the warmth it gives off and bask in the awe of this "gift", you must keep the safety off, you finger on the trigger, that form in your sights, and be weary of EVERYONE.
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Needless to say, it'll be a long process making that into a song or poem. I'll try to share my progress (if any) in future posts.
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I'll end with a [somewhat lengthy] quote from my favorite movie of all time:

"When you're dealing with a store like this, they're insured up the ass. They're not supposed to give you any resistance whatsoever. If you get a customer, or an employee, who thinks he's Charles Bronson, take the butt of your gun and smash their nose in. Everybody jumps. He falls down screaming, blood squirts out of his nose, nobody says fucking shit after that. You might get some bitch talk shit to you, but give her a look like you're gonna smash her in the face next, watch her shut the fuck up. Now if it's a manager, that's a different story. Managers know better than to fuck around, so if you get one that's giving you static, he probably thinks he's a real cowboy, so you gotta break that son of a bitch in two. If you wanna know something and he won't tell you, cut off one of his fingers. The little one. Then tell him his thumb's next. After that he'll tell you if he wears ladies underwear. I'm hungry. Let's get a taco." - Mr. White (Harvey Keitel's character in Reservoir Dogs)

Random thoughts for the weekend.

So, I've been going on three weeks with ridiculous soreness, exhaustion, and I've been coughing so much that I have to sit down every time I feel a fit coming on. It physically hurts to cough now. If I am like this much longer, I'll be heading to the doctor...and there will be much rejoicing. Anyways onto my thoughts for the day...
I just finished watching the B's beat Atlanta in a shootout...Phil Kessel did it again. This kid is ridiculous. Krejci had a nice goal with less than 10 left as well. Some [much needed] amazing penalty kills today too. They've racked up quite the win streak lately as well. Lucic is a beast, haha.
So Mr. Colon is tentatively scheduled for a March 15th start against the Reds. It'll be interesting to see how he holds up. I'm really pulling for him. I think if he can make it through the spring without Mr. Injury making his presence felt, he'll be a nice addition to the team. I'd love to see a rotation of Beckett, Dice-K, Wakefield, Lester/Tavarez and Colon. I'd love to see Schill become healthy and kick some tail before the All-Star break, so keep at it man. The Sox took a gamblee signing him, and they obviously knew that his shoulder was on edge (you can't miss that in a physical), so they lost this one. Get well soon big guy. I'd love to see Buchholz come up and get some starts in too. One can only hope Lugo pulls his weight this season (for his own sake), 'cuz apparently Mr. Lowrie would love to get some ML action. It's funny because they said they were picking up Lugo for his offense (and in turn sacrificing some defense, even trade-off I guess) and he didn't really produce offensively. Sean Casey should be a nice addition as well, i think he'll be a nice backup for Youkie, or even a Papi place holder to give him a rest from DH every now and then. Should be an interesting season, then again, when isn't it interesting with these guys?
I'll leave off with a funny little bumper sticker I saw, and a great poem

"Silence is golden, duct tape is silver."

Haiku are easy
But sometimes they don't make sense
Refrigerator