The Downward Spiral

It's been a rough time for me lately. My friends and relatives are all moving on and growing up, and I'm stuck where I am. What sucks even more is how I've been feeling. I've fell on black days in the past, and I never had many people to talk to about it, and even less people who would care to listen. Since then if I ever hear that someone is having a rough time dealing with something, I've made sure I'm there for them. Nobody should have to deal with depression on their own. I know what that's like, and it's not easy.
Lately, I've been struggling with some heavy depression myself. It's weird because friends are going to be there for you all the time...or at least that's what they say ("I'm your friend, and that's what friends are for."). But where are my friends? I've done everything I possibly can to let friends know how deep this goes. People don't understand how bad it has gotten (or maybe they just don't care). It's sad because I've made sure every last one of them knows I'm there for them ALWAYS. My cell phone is ALWAYS on, and I pick it up at any time of day. Do I blame them for not trying to help? No, not at all, everyone has their own troubles, and they deal with things differently. I've gone as far as telling close friends that when I go to sleep at night, I always tell myself that it'll be better tomorrow, I'll be fine tomorrow, and I know I'm lying, and the only way things could get better is if I never wake up. I've even said countless times to countless "friends" that if I had a choice to stay alive and live this way for the rest of my life or die, and be done with it all, I'd choose death.
I live in constant pain (emotional, mental and physical) and there's nothing I can do for any of it. I've become very good at hiding my true feelings about life and certain things going on around me, but I can't hide it anymore. I'm done lying to everyone. I've been heavily depressed for about 2 years now. I've spent countless all-nighters writing anything I can about things I experience or feel, and just thinking everything over. It's not something a pill or drug can fix, and I would never resort to any of that anyways.
I'm sick of hearing to keep my friends and family in mind. Why should I? What have they done for me lately? Why haven't any of them realized that I've been seriously contemplating suicide for the past 6 months? Hell, I'd say 3/4 of the time I'm online my away message pertains to something about suicide or my depression becoming even more unbearable. I'm sorry, but if I'm friends with someone, and I start seeing away messages talking about ending pain and suffering, and resorting to suicide, I would immediately go and meet to that person face to face and talk them down from it. Not one person has asked if I'm Ok, or if I need to talk. Well fuck them. Let's see how much you really THINK you care when you find out I took my own life. It shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone who is a true friend.
Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I'm going to kill myself now, but the thought has been pencilled into my mental to-do list for quite a while. Does that scare any of my friends? I don't know. Will they ever read this and realize how serious I am? Probably not. Would I give a rat's ass if they read this and do say something to me? Nope, but it'll be interesting to see who thinks they're my friend, and who knows it.

Now I have to tell you that I do have two friends who have talked with me lately, and they completely understand what's going on, and we've been talking back and forth quite a bit. They are my true friends, and I'll explain why. They've admitted that they don't know completely what I'm going through, and they've both told me that they won't bullshit me and tell me that everything'll be fine and that I'll get better. They both agreed that they don't know for sure whether they'll see me again, and that if I kill myself, they would be very upset, but they'd understand. I know that they're talking from their heart, and they'd never bullshit me.
Don't tell me what you think I want to hear, tell me the truth. Don't try to make me feel better, 'cuz you'll just get me more pissed at you. but if you're going to call me your my friend, make sure you back it up.
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"A friend is nothing but a known enemy"