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I don't have any poems, no lyrics to songs, and no pictures this time. There will be no cryptic message, no catchy rhyming scheme. There will be no sugar coated way of saying this, so here goes.
I'm depressed. Now I don't mean I'm sad, I don't mean I'm sick. I mean I'm flat out depressed. When I wake up in the morning all I can think is why? What the fuck else do I have to accomplish before I die. Why must I be put through this hell again. I go to bed begging that I die. There's not much I can do right, and there's even less that matters. I've decided that I won't kill myself...not yet. I want to see just how bad I can hurt, just how sick I can feel. It's more of a way to see how I strong I really am. It's not some "I like pain" feeling. it's not a way to make me feel alive, it's not even a way to "punish me for my sins in life". It's just my way of seeing that if everything happens for a reason, let's see this reason. Let's see how "worth it" my "not easy" life is. I don't cut myself, I don't self mutilate, I just live. I don't know what else to do. Is there some big picture that I'm not seeing? Is there something more that I can do to help someone and then I'll die? I just don't know anymore. I'm alone mentally, physically, and emotionally, and that's not fun. Please, if you have any suggestions on what I should do, let me know. I'm not going to take pills, or drink. Therapy nor medication has helped, and it won't. Don't give me the you just didn't give it a chance bullshit. I did give them a chance, 10 years of a chance. Fuck it. I'm heading to sleep now, maybe I'll get my wish and never wake up. Even if I don't wake up, I'll probably stay in bed for awhile. I have no reason to get up, so what's the point? So, in the ideal situation that I don't wake up, thanks for reading...