The "Black Joy" Entry

Well, today I FINALLY found it. About 4 years ago I filled up a 100 page spiral bound notebook, and it disappeared about a month after I finished. I have been looking for it ever since. I found it today, and after reading through, I was almost sick to my stomach. The whole notebook was filled with disturbingly descriptive accounts of my days, and it's extremely hard for me to think back at how much pain I was feeling. It was something I had to read though. It was a time I had blocked out and now that I've read it, it's given me so much more to think about and consider for future writings. the most beautiful, yet equally disturbing entry was the very last one. It ended perfectly on the very line on the very last page of the notebook. It seemed like it was planned out exactly on where it would end. Here's the very last part. I've edited it a litte for content (there were quite a few harsh things that do not need to be posted). Here it is:

"He pulled a knife on me and demanded my wallet. I looked him in the eyes and told him to stab me. I elaborated, "If you need money that bad, prove it. I worked for this money, and if you want it, you will too." He threw me a look of confusion, and, never once breaking eye contact, I continued "If you're not going to be a man and kill me, get out of my way." After standing there and staring him in the eyes for about 30 seconds of silence, he just shook his head, and walked away. Was I nervous? At first I was, then I realized I had nothing left to lose, now that she was gone I had nothing left. Why didn't that rat bastard pull the trigger? Truth be told, if he came up and asked for money, I would've gladly given it to him. I'm not really sure why I didn't give him my wallet. After all, I was heading to Whortleberry, razor blades in tow, to open my wrists and go quietly. Nobody ever understood (or cared) how serious it had gotten. I had already arranged EVERYTHING. I had money set aside for my after death costs along with plans on what it would amount to and what to do. My will was written up, and my explanation, apologies and goodbyes were on their way once the word was spread. I made sure that when I was gone, I would no longer be a burden to ANYbody. Of course it was still selfish to kill myself, but I made sure that they would know I was thinking of their well being more than mine. This was for THEM. Is it weird that some punk who wanted to rob me and possibly hurt me saved my life? I went home instead of Whortleberry that night. I had a new outlook on things, and I was grateful for that delinquent's encounter with me."
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Also in this notebook were the apologies, goodbyes, my will and my explanation. I also found a small envelope duct taped to the inside of the back cover. Inside the envelope were two razor blades, one with SORRY etched into it and the other with the "emergency word" that my family had decided on when we were young, so if someone came to tell us that something bad had happened, we'd know it was true when they said that word. I guess it was my way of telling everyone that I was truly in trouble. Disturbing, yet beautiful.