Confusion

It shouldn't be hard to understand my confusion,
the explanation's in my eyes, behind my illusions.
If you ask me, I'll open them, but look past the tears,
See deep inside and open your ears, As sad as it is,
you'll be the first one who hears, my songs, my thoughts, my pain, my fears.
It's a disorienting world, but you'll know where to go,
follow your heart, your mind, your soul.
When you've reached the end of my mind, you'll finally understand,
Why I filled with tears when you warmly took my hand.
I'd been alone all my life, so I didn't know what love meant,
I'd sacrificed my emotions to keep everyone else content.
I still have no clue, so love to me is still just a word.
I've seen it in writing, paintings and in the song's I've heard.
Not having felt it myself, I'd known nothing more than being "just a friend"
But, I'll take that over nothing and still fight for your life 'till the end.

The defining moment in this blog, a moment of clarity if you will.

"Suiciduality All*StaR!"- a term used to describe someone dealing with severe depression who is very often mistakenly made out to be suicidal. Made up of a combination of suicide/suicidal and duality.

Suicide - The act of killing yourself.
Suicidal - The general "mood" (or mindset) of contemplating killing yourself.
Duality - in this case meaning the act of (sanely but intentionally) having two different sides or personalities ("faces").
All-star - Being unanimously one of the best.

...So put together you get a person who appears to be depressed and suicidal on the outside, but is actually quite content or even happy and in their right mind when you get to know them. Ultimately being one of the best at hiding his true feelings, and being so educated in his ways that he is possibly starting to give in to the feelings and temptations of heavy depression. Realizing that there maybe more truth to his disguise than just a way to keep his "true" feelings from being exposed...

Bipolar much?

Well, apparently I've been led into a false sense of happiness...again. I guess it was too good to be true. I mean, for a second there I actually thought that I was better and becoming happy. You got me again life, such a jolly joker, for a second there I thought you'd given up fucking with me because it was too easy 'cuz I'm so fuckin' gullible...I guess not. Well, thanks for the week or so of hope, it was fun while it lasted...back to sleep.

Naked but that belt.

So since I've been on this Say Anything kick, one line has been stuck inside my head, and I've given it A LOT of thought. The line is from the song 'Belt'. The line is "naked but that belt around my waist". Now, the truth is, I've never really thought much about it until recently. I've decided to take it as a sign, somewhat of a rebirthing for my life.
My use of it is this: I'm shedding my disguise, what people wanted me to be, I'm done pleasing them. I'm taking off my mask and showing my new self...naked in a sense. I'm only keeping with me what kept me from exposing myself to the world...my belt.

I'm feeling better now then I have in quite a while. My heart is healing, I can wake up and smile and enjoy the weather, seeing my family, and just generally smile and not fake the happiness behind it.

AIMing for a new life:

NakedButMyBelt

All I need to know, I've learned from Morpheus!

Words of wisdom:
"To be positive at all times is to ignore all that is important, sacred or valuable. To be negative at all times is to be threatened by ridiculousness and instant discredibility."

My takes/understanding:

Explanation-
...So, you're either an ignorant liar who has created a warped reality to be "happy" or you're "insane" for seeing things as they actually are...

Matrix style explanation-
The blue pill might be sugarcoated and have candy-like sweetness, but you only have to take ONE red pill to understand why blue pills aren't worth the price of the pain in the end...kick the addiction sooner rather than later...
----
sXe

otnemeM

I'm a depressive pessimist and fuckin' bipolar
She's amazingly beautiful, and I can't control her.
Forgetting she's his now, I'm smiling, everything's great,
I see those eyes, that hair, her halo, I can't wait.
I feel like Sammy Jankis when I feel her embrace,
momentarily ecstatic, my heart quickens its pace.
It will end in heartbreak, but this time will it heal?
I now know she's gone, I'd forgotten how this feels.
She'll walk away happy with him arm in arm,
I'll lay in bed crying, contemplating self harm.
I wrote this pussy poem instead of bleeding tonight,
Finished it in darkness, too scared of the light.
'cuz I'd look in the mirror and see my fears,
The gates to my soul, dripping my tears.
I'm sick of this love shit and I've had my fill,
I have to block out these feelings and so I will.
I'll see her again, though I have no clue when,
you can bet when I do though, I'll pick up a pen.
Write another emo poem, and add it to the list,
or even be like Lenny, and ink it to my wrist.
That way I'd never forget this feeling of pain,
And all of these poems weren't written in vain.

...the best part of waking up is...?

When I wake up, whether it be from a nap or from my night's sleep, either way, I'm always disappointed. It's not because I had a good dream and woke up in the middle, it's because I just dread waking up. Everyday is more of the same, wake up alone, feel sorry for myself all day and then go to sleep again...sometimes I throw a nap in the mix as well.
Is it that I want more in life?
Is it that I'm unappreciative of the life I have?
Is it that I simply have nothing left to keep me going?
Maybe it's all of it. the first thought when I wake up is "Fuck! Not again!?" and the last thought before I go to sleep is "let it be over soon". Many people hear this and think it's just me being depressive and "emo". That might be part of the case, but the other part of it is my pain...mental, emotional and physical. And yes, physical. I am in constant pain, I have frequent (almost constant) migraines and my lower back is in excruciating pain constantly. I've forced myself to fight through it and ignore it or at least live with it. I'm 100% against pain killers and anything of that sort and I don't even take aspirin, ibuprofen, advil or anything like that. I'm firmly opposed to "randomly" medicating, and I have quite a few legit reasons to take that position. I was heavily hopped up on medication from the age of 12 'till about 18. I was living as a zombie and had a false sense of security and reality. It made me gain over 100 lbs., and all but killed me. Socially as well as education wise I'm pretty much useless as well. Having dropped out of school, I lost contact with my peers and pretty much anyone who I could potentially be friends with. I missed out on prom, graduation, and pretty much any adolescent "phases". I honestly believe that if I killed myself back then, it would have been better for me. Being on all that medication has ruined my life. There are instances now of kids who were taking these meds for extended periods of time and they have now become sterile and even developed worse disorders and illnesses resulting in death or even crippling them and rendering them vegetables. It disgusts me to think that people and doctors think that by fucking around with random chemicals and shit and having kids take them that it will help them. It's a "guess and check/wait and see" method with medication, and it's scary. There were some medications that I took that supposedly had the opposite effect than what was desired...and it was at that point when I was on the brink of suicide. Maybe that's part of the reason I've decided to make the choice of staying sober and clean. It just sickens me hearing about all of these new drugs they are pumping into kids hoping it will help them, and their parents are just looking for their kids to "get better", so they'll try anything...absolutely disgusting...

"September 2nd"

I'm her best friend, her "problem solver",
I'm that voice that whispers "put down the revolver".
With one in each chamber, you tell me you'll do it,
Take all but one out and play some roulette,
Pull it four times, walk away if you choose,
One more time, do it, you "can't lose",
You've wasted your life complaining to me,
I tell you you're wrong, and I can't agree.
You tighten your grip and ease onto the trigger,
Responsibilities are big, but your problems are bigger,
Your family and friends don't have a clue,
What would they say if they only knew.
The pain you feel nobody knows,
One in the head, and away it goes.
It hurts so bad, but you put down the gun,
You apologize to me, and say that it's done,
The path to recovery has just begun,
A long road ahead, it won't be fun.
So here we are, in for the long haul,
On the way down, don't bother to call,
I'll already be there, and won't let you fall,
Kick you in gear, won't let you stall.

I didn't expect years after that you'd remember,
that hot summer night beginning September.
The journey you started that night to get well,
keeping quiet your pain and personal hell.
I'm ecstatic to hear your new state of mind,
I don't even care that you've left me behind.
I'm still your friend at the end of the day,
I'll be here forever no matter what you say,
It's a rare volunteer "job" that actually pays,
by knowing I'm your fall guy, forever and always.

Laughter...the good kind of pain.

I've found that one of the greatest feelings in life is when you laugh so hard you can't breathe, your sides hurt, and maybe even just enough to cry. It's probably the only feeling that even though it hurts and you cry, it never gets old, and you can never get enough of. It's gotta be one of those things that just happens and it's not a feeling that can be forced or replicated.
I miss that feeling.

Progressively worse...

I wake up alone, but she's asleep beside me,
I stand up alone while she stares right by me.
I sing in the shower, she's in all my songs,
She doesn't know the words, but she still sings along.
The passion put in them about how I'm wrong,
The energy and emotion I'd missed while she's gone.

It hurt to walk away
Still looking toward that day
when she's in my arms again,
I know how long it's been,
I'll cry until the end,
or least 'til the day when...

One leg at a time, I pull on my jeans,
Just like everyone else, whatever that means...
I put on my ankh, and throw on a shirt,
that keeps my life, that masks my hurt.
I grabbed a pen and scribbled a note,
"This world is ours" is what I wrote.
Under that I drew a smile, but crossed it out and thought for a while...

"What am I doing?!" I wanted to yell, but then comes my jacket and I'm back in my cell.
I'm in an eight by eight square, it's a living hell.
I'm here for eternity, good behavior'd be swell,
but, life without parole I'll serve just as well.

Follow me yet, or should I keep going?
I could write forever and ever without ever slowing,
Like the wind in a hurricane, I'll keep right on blowing,
My angst breaks through the dam, and keeps right on flowing,
watering my flowers of pain, it keeps that inspiration growing,
I'll write 'till I'm senile, powerful, all-knowing
I'll write 'till my end or 'till I physically can't,
'till these fingers fall off I'll continue to rant,
This world jacked full of hate will only get worse
The reason I look forward to ride in that hearse,
Writing this shit is my favorite curse,
It does me no good, so I'll end with this verse...

I'm dining alone, tonight, rat poison for dinner! So goodnight!

Why is it so hard to move on from my past? Am I destined to stay a straight edge zero forever? I've spent my time since my last post reflecting on my life and trying to find out what makes me so fucked up. I'm still searching for that reason to go on. Maybe my reason to stay awake is to continue this never-ending hopeless wild goose chase to find the true me. My reason to live is to find the reason to live. That's my obligatory "emo/depression" life update for this post...


I've been taking time to even further expand my musical taste. I've listened to GG Allin, who was quite possibly one of the most vile, disgusting, and despicable humans to ever call himself a musician, and his garbage and other copycat trash are probably the only type of music that I will never listen to and think it's anything more than utter shit.(run on sentence or not, it's the way I feel) I've even found some really bad (and quite rare?) quality recordings of a man named Charles Manson...yeah, THE Charles Manson. All I can say about it is "hmmm"...But...

The main reason I've decided to write this is because of the band Say Anything. About 2 years back, I heard a song named 'All My Friends' and I was blown away (little did I know in a short time, that song would become the anthem of my life, find the lyrics, you'll understand). I'd listened to some of their older stuff on Baseball (which just until VERY recently was "shunned" by Max and co.), and it was the perfect mixture of raw emotion and music. I picked up "...Is a Real Boy" and I loved it. Max's lyrics and their emotion and pure "angst" for lack of a better term kicked me in the shins and made me realize that there are still great minds among us who can write great music.
I saw them perform 'Shiksa (Girlfriend)' on Conan the other night and I was blown away with the band's presence. They just had so much energy and emotion behind them playing and I decided I had to go get their new 'In Defense of the Genre' album. It, just like 'Baseball' and '...Is a Real Boy' before it, blew me away. I can't say enough about these guys. They deserve any bit of fame they get. They have a great sound and amazing chemistry in all their songs, and I hope they get real far in the music world. That's my two cents on the subject...
___
"The futile, the futile, it outweighs the beautiful"