And now for something completely different. :)

Since my last write-up, I have been brainstorming ideas for some sort of project to work on. I was thinking more along the lines of a graphic novel/storyboard piece to try out. I've gotten quite a bit of writing put into it, and have a few sketches drawn up as well, but I'm still not sure if it'll pan out the way I hope...we'll see though, haha.
It follows the "everyday life" of the main character who is your average Joe-bachelor at first glance, but when looked into deeper he is a vigilante/anti-hero of sorts. In the regular panels while he's going about his everyday habits and routines, it's black and white, almost Sin City style illustrations, but when he starts becoming frustrated or in deep thought, it will become more colorful depending on what he's going through.
He has no superhuman strength or powers, but uses his wit to get things done. The whole story will be based on his "journal" and that's how each entry will be laid out, kind of like a helter skelter thrown about account of the day.
And of course, what journal entry wouldn't be complete without rants/raves/bitch sessions, haha. So hopefully every few entries I'll be incorporating a poem (or in his case rap) to sum up his feelngs/emotions/desires for his current situation.

Unfortunately, other than that I don't have much to write about or update here. I've been putting a lot of time into this project, so I've been unable to focus on much else, so for that I apologize.

Until next time!
:)

It's what friends *were* for ;)

I can't take this anymore,
I'm once again their whore;
I'm broken, bruised and sore,
and bleeding on the floor,
while kneeling on all fours...
That's when they shut the door;
I'm not welcome anymore.
But that's what friends are for,
that's what friends are for.
---
Written one year ago to the day. It's amazing how people who care bring out the best in me as opposed to the "friends" I used to associate with.

"Perfection" at a cost

I knew she'd see, right from the start,
my love was free, hers'd cost my heart.
Now seeing right through it, this feeling I'd fight
Brown eyes now knew it, bright eyes shut tight
I offered all I had left, all hers for the taking,
With this heart in my chest, she'd heal of its breaking.
In that instant forgotten; the lust that we'd known
long since had rotten, our blossom that'd grown.
This split up our path, which at first seemed so lonely,
though she could turn back, mine's one way only.
The heartbreak she'd dealt, with that smile she'd force
That crush that I'd felt, had now run its course...
Brown eyes now've dried, blue eyes ever clear,
My clouds begin to hide, blue skies have now appeared.

They say swans mate for life...

I've locked myself inside my room
no time to waste, I'm leaving soon
packed my things, prepared to fight
smashed her wings and put out our light
faked a tear and wiped my eye
no look back, no wave goodbye
An ocean of blood and gallons of tears
the slinging of mud which preys on our fears
In this age of grotesque, arguments won with violence
Not a whisper of protest, among this deafening silence.
I see her, she smiles, my stomach exhales
she traveled for miles, but to no avail
I see her, I cry, she kneels at my grave
My last tear a lie that still she forgave

Awesomeness defined...

Ladies and gentlemen...
I present to you my new favorite genre of music:
Viking Metal...
Prepared to have your mind blown and your weakened body pillaged and used to fuel the fires they burn to conquer the land!

...or just listen.
"Sinklars Visa" by Tyr:

influence

Just for something different (yet very cliche, haha), I've decided to put together a collection of my favorite albums.
In no order, here are my favorites:

'In Utero' & 'Unplugged In New York' by Nirvana
In Utero is such a disturbingly beautiful collection of the unpolished and jagged guitar work previously showcased on Bleach mixed with the dark and tormented lyrical ingenuity of Kurt everyone had come to know and love.
Unplugged is a more melodious and intimate set. Right from uproarious applause into Kurt's "Good Evening" to begin 'About A Girl' all the way until the last nervous bloodcurdling whine of "whole night through" in 'Where Did You Sleep Last Night?", you can hear his troubled soul almost seem to be at peace during the performance and it's not until the applause at the end finally fades out and the disc ends until reality once again hits that such an empowering figure is no longer with us. I had the same reaction when I finished watching 'About a Son'...I knew going full well going in that he was dead, but at the end I was still heartbroken and devastated...

'Ok Computer' by Radiohead
Just an amazing album the whole way through, 'No Surprises' is one of the saddest and most depressing songs I've heard and to this day it still gives me chills to hear "No alarms and no surprises" repeated over and over in the almost slurred voice of Thom Yorke. Just pure brilliance.

'Tonight! The Stars Revolt' by Powerman 5000
This album is just hard rockin' fun. I can't count how many times I've listened to this album the whole way through and not skipped a song, it's just that good. It's one of the albums i throw in while I'm working out and just get amped up from.

'Break The Cycle' by Staind
Some might be quick to throw this one in the category of 'meh-rock' but take a listen to the lyrics. 'Open your Eyes' questions the ethics and morals of people (more specifically parents) today, 'Epiphany' takes 'It's Been A While''s dark romantic tone even further to possibly put blame on the first party.

'The Sufferer and the Witness' and 'Appeal To Reason' by Rise Against
'The Sufferer and the Witness' is an amazing display of new school hard punk throwing down the gauntlet of rebellion and daring to uproot the appeals of old school punk. Bringing up legit topics and morals to their songs while mixing in dangerously catchy and thought-provoking lyrics to cement themselves in today's punk culture.
'Appeal to Reason' hasn't left my CD player since it's release. It exemplifies everything that music is to me. Mixing the skeletons of the winning ways of SatW with new material and completely resurrecting their emotionally charged raw punk roots. They were influenced by Ian MacKaye and Minor Threat and it shows. They know how to make good music and mix it with a message that is not only relevant today, but of deep importance to the economy and ultimately the morale of today's world.

'Anthem of the Underdog' by 12 Stones
There's not much I can say about this album besides buy it. As with all of these albums, I can listen the whole way through with no urges to skip any songs. These guys are what should exemplify rock stars. Hard working guys with talent that write about what they know and do it damn well. They have such energy in their live shows and it doesn't do it justice to just hear it on the album....but it's a good start. :)

Alright, I totally underestimated how many albums I'd be writing about, haha, so I'm just going to list these last few. I might update later with more on each, we'll see, haha.

'the Fragile' and 'the Slip' by nine inch nails
'The Eminem Show' by Eminem
'World' by D12
'Better Dayz' by 2Pac
'Made Man' by Silkk the Shocker
'Pinkerton' and the Blue and Green self-titled albums by Weezer
'dirt' 'Facelift' 'Alice In Chains' and 'Unplugged' by Alice In Chains
'dookie' '1,039 smoothed out slappy hours' 'insomniac' and 'kerplunk' by Green Day
'Ten' and 'Vitalogy' by Pearl Jam
'Superunknown' and 'Down On The Upside' by Soundgarden
'A Night at the Opera' and 'News of the World' by Queen
'Goodbye Yellow Brick Road' by Elton John
'Third Eye Blind' and 'Blue' by Third Eye Blind
'An American Prayer' and 'the Doors' by the Doors
'follow the leader' and 'KoRn' by KoRn
'Commit This to Memory' and 'Even If It Kills Me' by Motion City Soundtrack
'Three Dollar Bill, Yall$' by Limp Bizkit
'Bubblegum' by Mark Lanegan
'Ballad of the Broken Seas' and 'Sunday at Devil Dirt' by Mark Lanegan and Isobel Campbell
'Enter: The Conquering Chicken' by the Gits
'Disintegration' and 'Pornography' by The Cure
'One Cold Night' by Seether
'...Is A Real Boy' 'Baseball' and 'In Defense of the Genre' by Say Anything
'The Colour and the Shape' by Foo Fighters
'New Wave' by Against Me!
'Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness' and 'Siamese Dream' by Smashing Pumpkins

-----------------------------------------------
There are quite a few more, but again, I completely underestimated how lengthy this process would be, haha...
Until next time.

"Agony in Irony"

Agony in irony, flick a Bic ignite the fire in me
Hearts apart, yet you still call me, try to involve me
We both know things will never change, where ever we go
You began to let me go, pull me back to censor me,
Took away my will to give, gave away my will to live
Broke my heart, burning agony on which I thrive, I smile to heal and to survive.

Agony in irony, extinguish the fire in me
Hearts apart, yet you still call me, try to involve me

Agony, irony burning inside me
Agony, irony, oh

We both know things will never change, where ever we go
You began to let me go, pull me back to censor me,
Took away my will to give, Crumpled up my will to live
Broke my heart, burning agony on which I thrive, I smile to heal and to survive.

Agony in irony, extinguished the fire in me
Broken heart, but you've stopped your calls to me, Alone I sleep, finally my world is all to me.

Agony, Irony, now fueling the smile inside me
__________________
This is nothing more than a simple rewrite of Paul McCartney's "Ebony and Ivory". Just something new I figured I'd try, a change of pace to battle boredom. It's a phrase I'd always been partial too. Somewhat like cruel situations that were ironic to the point you just have to laugh 'cuz it's that unbelievable.
It stems from a past incident where I decided to help a female friend and make sure that she wasn't alone for the night. I blew off sure plans to go out for the night and just have fun with the guys to make sure she was OK...only to have her seek solace in the arms of a guy who would in time break her heart. After all that I went through to help her, I was the one who spent the night alone and "not OK"...I sat there thinking of the confusion I was feeling because of the sheer irony of the nights events...but that's in the past now.

I'm not sure if I've finally gone insane or if my heart is healed, but either way, I can smile again and without the aid of "love" or having to fake it. Genuine smiling is something I missed, and it's finally returned.
Am I happy? I wouldn't quite say that, Content is more fitting. But either way, my smile is back.

Life's a joke, so pretend you get it and keep laughing 'til you die

"Dealers lose their crunk, riches back to rags
'edgers become drunks, with the bitches and the fags"
"News" of their "pain" never ceases, as these jokes begin to bloom
Everyone's insane, falling to pieces and we've seemingly become the broom
Sweeping is our purpose, the trash of a country littered with hate
But this is just the surface, the skin of a paralytic political state
In a time we need a leader most, one who's just and true,
We're ridiculed to death with jokes, what's this broom to do?
---

This is about how news is so disgusting nowadays that it focuses more on entertainment and who's fuckin' who, or who's in rehab, or who's coming out, when important issues such as politics get biased stories put out to try and deceive people by not telling the whole story. Anyone who says "I read about it on the internet" and then expects a reaction that is anything besides being scoffed at and then ridiculed for their ignorance deserves any verbal lashing they receive. Focus on issues and the candidates stances on them.
This isn't like American Idol where you can vote for the hot chick with the great voice but shitty songwriting skills and wake up in the morning and not give a damn if you never see her again...and no, that was not a knock on Palin. Get all the facts first and then form an opinion. And please, make sure you actually get the facts. Otherwise, stick to your American Idol and leave politics to people who actually know what they're talking about and equally give a fuck about their future.

"Death of an All*StaR!"

"He turned into fuckin' Boo Radley near the end, what happened?"
"My take on it is that he just stopped caring."
"Why? He always seemed upbeat and shit, like he always had a real solid outlook, however pessimistic and dark it may have seemed at first."
"Well, after everyone settled down, school ended, college came and went, he lost hope in ever being back in touch socially and finally just stopped giving a fuck. He had really high hopes on being someone that could cater to everyone's needs and in the end realized that if he couldn't help everyone equally, why help anyone and risk leaving out some. He used to joke about how he had no real skills or redeeming qualities besides his ears and heart, which we all laughed off and then unknowingly took advantage of."
"Wow, kinda like he stopped giving a fuck when he got fucked?"
"Truedom come"
"Heavy shit, man."
---
"Death of an All*StaR!"
- C. Aledridge

Writer's block = laziness ;)

Resting on my leg, a mess of noise it makes
Turn its tuning peg, perfect pitch; it breaks
awoken from its sleep, the demon begins to feed
gnawing in so deep, instantly I bleed.
Quenching hunger pains, making me its whore.
leaving crimson stains, as it has before
bit the hand that feeds, trapping me once more
satisfied its needs, fell dead t'ward the floor
Bitter in its old age, teeth ripping through my thumb
Emptying its final rage, too weak it had become.
My wound will heal with time, its inspiration I'll abuse.
Exploit it with this rhyme, steal attention with my ruse
The emotions it may bring, and some it might confuse.
How a broken string, has now become my muse.


----
I wrote this yesterday afternoon in about 10 minutes.
I was at a family party and there was a small really cheap guitar sitting in a toy chest that caught my eye. I picked it up and began tuning it up. I figured at the very least I'd entertain my younger cousins with some goofy songs and give their parents a break. What I didn't expect was while I was tuning it to a nearby piano, apparently the G-string was strung improperly and had significant wear to it. So, I had the guitar tuned to a perfect pitch except the G-string, so I began to turn the peg and unexpectedly, the string snapped and swung up, wrapped around my right thumb and left a small "gash". And although it bled like hell and looked like an impressive war wound, it was actually nothing more than a small slice, but it gave me a thought of a time wasting poem. And that's how this came to be.
I mean, I've done it before, tuned a string improperly and ended up snapping it and getting a droplet of blood from a small cut, but this time it was just so odd that it bled quite convincingly, I had to take some time to just admire and then of course document with words this Saint Elmo's Fire-esque phenomenon I had witnessed, haha.
:)
I also had an alternate end to the "Exploit it with this rhyme, steal attention with my ruse" line. Where instead I had "Exploit it with this rhyme, gain attention I can't refuse" but I figured the former fit better as, after all, it's more of a take on modern music than anything. Just a play on "those fuckin' emo scene kids" who apparently just take emotions and exaggerate them until they make money, or at least that's I was told by a friend who is a (self proclaimed) "music fan". ;)

.What the hell have I.

"The truth lies in your dreams"

A phrase I've been desperately trying to make sense of.
-
Does it mean that when you're dreaming, the images you see will lead you to the truth?
--
Does it mean that your hopes and aspirations for the future are where your true calling resides?
---
Does it mean that when you dream, everything you see as true is nothing more than a lie (in this context using 'lie' meaning not being truthful)...just false hope and broken promises?
----
Does it mean that your hopes and aspirations for your future are nothing more than that, just dreams, fictional thoughts of what you want, all the while knowing you'll never fully achieve them?
-----
So is it that the truth lies in dreams as in that's where you will find them?
Or is it that the truth lies to you in dreams, meaning that the truth you see is nothing but lies and deception?
------
After much thought, I have come to embrace this phrase in my own way...

The answer truly lies within the eyes of the beholder...
-------
"We gaze continually at the world and it grows dull in our perceptions. Yet seen from another's vantage point, as if new, it may still take the breath away."
-Doctor Manhattan ("The Watchmen")
--------
One of my favorite pictures of all times. :)

...and I'll look down and whisper, no.

So I finished reading 'The Watchmen' recently and I was blown away. It was visually stunning and vibrant, yet so dark and true to reality. I urge anyone and everyone to get out and read it. Even if you aren't a "comic book geek" or nerd, get your hands on a copy and read it. It's quite possibly the greatest piece of fiction I've ever read and I am so excited for the movie. Hearing what Kevin Smith had to say about it makes me want to see it even more. He said something to the extent of think back to the excitement of seeing Sin City from a book to movie perspective and multiply that. Sin City was a beautiful adaptation as well and I have the utmost respect for Robert Rodriguez for staying true to Frank Miller. How Zack Snyder portrayed Miller's '300' is also very fulfilling, so I'm sure that paying extremely close attention to detail was a priority for him in making Watchmen.
The trailer was amazing especially with the music selection. Honestly, that song makes the trailer even more dark yet eerily peaceful knowing the coincidental significance of the title of the song...
'The Beginning is the End is the Beginning' by the Smashing Pumpkins (Yes previously released on the filth that was called Batman and Robin). It just pulls together the whole anti-hero theme to the book.
One piece of the book that I found so amazingly well written lies within the last piece of Chapter IV: "'Dr. Manhattan: Super-Powers and the Superpowers' By Professor Milton Glass". The first three paragraphs are quite possibly some of the most beautifully well written political/war related literature I've ever read in fiction. It almost seems if he was relating to the world as it in is reality and not in the reality he writes about... ;)
Do yourself a favor and read the book. You won't regret it...


...but if you do, you might as well burn your entire library because your taste and opinions in literature or media in general is automatically null and void...kinda like if you claim to be a music fan and argue that the Jonas Brothers are anything more than dollar signs in the eyes of their creators and the writers behind their "music". :P

Writing process Sept. '08

Just a few pictures for documentation of the writing process on my current set of songs. :)




...and two pictures just here to be goofy. :P

QFT

Stan V.: "When is the last time someone grabbed you firmly by your shoudlers, looked you in the eye, and told you the truth...Regardless if it would hurt you, they just told you how it was and made sure you understood what's going on."
Scotty P.: "I honestly can't remember anyone ever even looking me in the eyes, let alone telling me the truth."
----
These words never rang so loud and true as they do now. Even four years later, I can still relate.

Our future is history (I wish you had told me)

How much longer can I take this,
(Bleeding regret of my lies)
No longer will I fake this,
(Epitome of what I despise)
Told you I'd listen
(You spit in my face)
Told me you miss him
(I'm full of disgrace)

I
Was
A-Lone
(Hope had arrived)
You
Were
My Home
(I felt so alive)

Now listen intently
(This won't be repeated)
These hints that you've sent me
(They won't be repeated)
Straight from your heart
(Already defeated)
Broke me apart
(So fuckin' conceited)

Just Take Me Home!
(You don't even know)
Just Leave Me Alone!
(But don't let me go)

I Never let you down
(Told you I wouldn't)
You still stripped my crown
(Told me you couldn't)
My queen on her throne
(Ignored my advice)
And now she's alone
(It must be so nice)

Just
Take
Me Home
(I'll fall back asleep)
Can't
Be
A-Lone
(Fall back asleep)

(It must be so nice)

curtain call

...and just like that, he fell back to sleep.

Enter Mike Standards

Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out her note. He opened it up to see it was a blank piece of white notebook paper. It was the kind of moment that sent shivers down his spine...he drifted off to high school, where she passed the note to him. It was a crumpled up piece of notebook paper which read,
"His love withheld, life goes on.
His life's withheld when that love is gone."
Looking back to that day where he'd felt so confused, he now understood. It was the old "If I can't see it,it's not there, so it can't hurt me" scenario. Keep my thoughts to myself and she won't get hurt. He never saw her again. He figured that she was better off walking into the sunset because at least that way, it still seemed like she was walking toward a bright future...
---
Chapter 2-Page 37-Paragraph 1
Smile [like you've lost it]!
by Mike Standards

To be continued???

So here I sit, almost 9 months exactly to the day when my heart was shattered and stomped to pieces. I had no one to talk to about it thus sending me into a downward spiral into the depths of depression which I honestly wished ended in more dramatically "tragic" fashion, but it did not. I was pulled up by the helping hand of a stranger. One who I had thought would finally lead me to the light of happiness. Little did I know that after a summer of deception and (looking back) painfully obvious awkwardness, I'd be sitting in this same chair contemplating sleeping forever, but this time in solitary confinement so there would be no more mirages to draw me out only to kick me in the gut Sparta style right back into that rut of dislogic and smut...
It just seems that I'm meant to be alone. It wouldn't have been so bad if I weren't (whether intentionally or not) mislead into thinking there was something at the top of that ladder to the proverbial mistletoe of love...What can I say, once again, I was thinking with my heart, though I saw behind the eyes of a fallen angel stricken by tragedy, she still didn't notice me. She used a word that I consider more heartbreaking to hear (and then subsequently get abruptly roundhouse kicked back to the bottomless pit of Sparta...err, uh, depression) than that four letter word that usually send guys running, love. No, she used a word that went far beyond that...perfect. Perfect is the most fucked up word in the English language because it implies that there is NOTHING wrong with it. Now, maybe it's just me, but if I hear perfect, I get those butterflies and think, maybe this is her...maybe I've dried up the well which contained the liquid repulsion and found this new well of hope...the honest truth is I'm not perfect. Hell, whatever the opposite of perfect is, flawed, mess, whatever, that's what I am, and I full well know acknowledge and embrace my place in the scale of perfection...the lowest.
Truthfully, she was perfect; gorgeous, she had an amazing personality and never failed to make me smile whether it be online, texts, calls, whatever, it always brightened my day. She's the last thought before bed and the first when I wake up. She exemplifies everything I could ever want in a girl, except for one thing, mutual love. I don't know if I could go as far as saying I loved her yet, but I'd say it's pretty close. I knew full well going into it that I wasn't perfect and I knew her heart was reserved for another, but when she called me perfect, I thought that was my cue to take the reigns and finish the race with her by my side.

Now honestly,. I don't know when/if I'll update this again because I have a lot of searching and thinking to do, but let me end with this final metaphor for my current situation.
It's the bottom of the ninth, 2 outs, bases loaded, we're down by 1 and the guy behind me is Mr. Clutch...I'm up to bat, it's a 2-0 count. The pitch comes in and it's a ball. I got a 3-0 count. the odds of striking out now are slim to none. I most likely will either get a hit or walk...Next pitch, a lollipop curveball that drops in for a strike, Ok, I can deal, caught me off guard, it's cool. Next pitch, blazing 98 mph fastball right down the pike, I swing as hard as I can and foul it off. I know I can catch up, I made contact and I'm ready for this guy once again. He throws a 63 mph change-up right down the middle of the plate, and I swing so hard and so early, that by the time my bat is around and back on my shoulder and I stare in disbelief, the ball is just hitting the glove. I crumple to a heap in the dirt...defeated. This was to be my retirement game, and I hadn't told anyone, but I would have afterwards when I was clutching my trophy. Beforehand, I went out and bought a beautiful trophy stand that I was hoping to display proudly...But now that I had torn my rotator cuff and shattered my wrist swinging for the fences, my career was over. My trophy stand now sits at the foot of my bed, empty. It'll stay there, taunting and haunting me, while I go into my deep slumber hoping to achieve that aforementioned "tragic" ending to such a miserable existence...

Thanks for everything.
Much love,
"Nitro" Nick Murphiez

Colt Seavers makes his triumphant return!

Now that the boys of summer have gone, I guess that means the fall guy's back...right on time.

"soap opera to sitcom, sitcom to suicide"

Open my eyes, stare at the ceiling
can't seem to shake this kicked in the gut feeling
I reach toward the extended hand before me,
firmly grasp it in mine and pull as hard as I can.
I get to that point just before standing,
start to smile and see that I'm awake,
the hand disappears and I lose my balance,
I land flat back on the ground, back where we started...
Drift off to sleep, back where I started.

Walter "Killer" Kowalski

Rest In Peace
Walter "Killer" Kowalski
October 13, 1926 - August 30, 2008

A Fire Inside

My flames have died down, the water's been poured,
They've stomped out the embers, I guess they got bored.
The fire which once warmed them, was forced to burn out.
Now that it's gone, they'll miss it no doubt,
They'll walk on forever, leaving ashes behind them
They'll forget who they were, no one to remind them
They'll shamelessly shiver in this frigid cold weather,
Not knowing they were the glue that held me together.
They were what kept me alive, bringing my spirits higher.
My friends were what continuously fuelled this ever-fading fire.


Up until very recently, I had written off my friends as unreliable and unpredictable to the point where they had become predictable. I'd make plans and get excited and then minutes before, they would cancel on me or rain check it. Honestly, it pissed me off to no end, and now that I've begun to look back and think about it, I mean really think it through, I've found the truth. I've been blaming all of my problems and inadequacies in my life on my friends. Now, of course I hadn't come out and said it to their faces, but I sure as hell thought about it. The truth is that my friends and family are THE sole reason I am who I am and me being the unappreciative fuck-up that I am, wasn't paying attention to anything besides my own loneliness and heartbreak.
I'd sit home and either cry and be a bitch about being cancelled on or I'd just sleep everything off, sometimes even cry until I slept things off. I'd like to think I'm past that now, and I'll explain why. I blamed my friends for being unreliable and causing me to just say fuck everything and sleep until I felt better. It's not their fault in the least. It's my own. I'm too nice and I get too emotionally involved in things. I've always been the guy to take everything to heart and worry too much. Those may be things I can't control because they're my personality and how I am. What I can control is not getting down over the small things. Sure I can still feel like shit and forgotten, but what I need to do after that is get my ass moving again and find some way to further my life and work toward something I want. Every time someone bails on me it's because they either got a better offer or it's because they're doing something to make their future brighter while I sit here and dwell on the fact my life is a downward spiral. I have to get my ass up, dust myself off, swallow my pride and move the fuck on and up.

I love my friends and family to death and I've focused so much time blaming them that I've neglected my own well being. If I'm ever going to get anywhere, I gotta keep my mouth shut, keep my eyes forward and keep sprinting toward the finish line and when I get there, run through it as fast as I can, never look back and never stop until I physically can't go on anymore, drop to my hands and knees and keep crawling.

They're not the problem, nor have they ever been. I'm the sole problem in my life and since I've always been that problem solver, it's time to do work.

By your side

That's not what I said, you must've misheard,
Most times I stutter and I fuck up my words.
I'm totally fine, not sick in the least,
When reality is; I'm filled with disease.
My stomach turns and I start to feel ill,
everything's spinning yet I'm standing still.
Covered in sweat, I'll still huddle near,
'Cuz when I'm by your side, you've got nothing to fear.

Letia Pendleton-Pichon

I did not know her personally, but I feel compelled to still show respect to her.
It's sad as well as selfish to think of how I was having so much fun and enjoying Tuesday while a family was in mourning of such a young life taken way too soon. My condolences to her family and friends.
-
This wasn't how it's supposed to be
[In loving memory]
And now I'm torn with misery
[In loving memory]
I won't forget you please don't me
[In loving memory]
This wasn't how it's supposed to be
[In loving memory]
-
Rest In Peace
Letia Pendleton-Pichon
(February 12, 1985 - August 12, 2008)

22

My song for the day:
"Happy Birthday"
Weird Al style!
-
Happy birthday
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday
Happy birthday to you

Well, it's time to celebrate your birthday, it happens every year
We'll eat a lot of broccoli and drink a lot of beer
You should be good and happy that there's something you can eat
A million people every day are starving in the street

Your daddy's in the gutter with the wretched and the poor
Your mama's in the kitchen with a can of Cycle Four
There's garbage in the water
There's poison in the sky
I guess it won't be long before we're all gonna die

Happy birthday
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday
Happy birthday to you

Well, what's the matter little friend, you think this party is the pits
Enjoy it while you can, we'll soon be blown to bits
The monkeys in the pentagon are gonna cook our goose
Their finger's on the button, all they need it an excuse

It doesn't take a military genius to see
We'll all be crispy critters after World War III
There's nowhere you can run to, nowhere you can hide
When they drop the big one, we all get fried

(Come on boys and girls, sing along, ok?)

Happy birthday
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday
Happy birthday to you
wow! (background screaming, sound effect)

Well there's a punk in the alley and he's looking for a fight
There's an Arab on the corner buying everything in sight
There's a mother in the ghetto with another mouth to feed
Seems that everywhere you look today there's misery and greed

I guess you know the Earth is gonna crash into the sun
But that's no reason why we shouldn't have a little fun
So if you think it's scary, if it's more than you can take
Just blow out the candles and have a piece of cake

Happy birthday
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday
Happy birthday to you
wow!

Happy birthday
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday
Happy birthday to you

(Happy Birthday!)

And a pinch to grow an inch!

Clouded Minds, Sunny Skies

Ok, here is where I get serious. There are no poems or pictures, no neat little rhyming schemes or song lyrics of how I feel. No, this is where I'm trying to save a friend from brainwashing and filth being taught to them...

I was raised a legit, go to church every Sunday Catholic. I went through CCD, I went to confession and honestly, I was a very religious person. I helped out around the parish and did work to clean up and such. Right up until the parish I attended was slated to be closed, I was climbing my way up to the top of the religious rollercoaster. The day that my parish was closed and all of the parishioners joined together and went into vigil (directly because of the whole sex abuse scandal, whether they admit it or not), it made me question anything and everything I'd ever been taught. I stuck it out with that vigil and I slept up there at least three or four times a week to make sure I was a part of keeping my church open. the day the church reopened, I lost all of the faith I'd ever had. This story goes on for a while, but I'm trying to illustrate the faith, love, heart, and soul I put into my religious beliefs and how it was futile to continue on with.

Now I would NEVER tell anyone what to believe or how to live their life, but when something like this happens and a friend is obviously being brainwashed, I have to at least vent my frustration. It started a few months ago when I really started to understand how close-minded some of these religious teachings have become. We had a conversation about how being gay was condemned by the Bible and that if you are gay, you must pray to be cured. This made me furious, especially because if God loves everyone no matter what...how can it be justified that sexual orientation is wrong? it makes me sick to think that anyone would believe that being gay is a disease, or a sickness or a choice people have made. Honestly, if you believe any person would choose to be gay, especially nowadays where the world's perception of "alternative lifestyles" is so warped and jaded that people are scared to death to admit they're gay, then you are (in the nicest possible way) a fuckin' ignorant prick. I could go on for hours on why "religious" views on being gay are so ridiculous, but that's not why I'm writing this.

Here is the straw that broke the camel's back. I was told today that this friend of mine was told that she could no longer read this series of books because her pastor told her that the books were spiritually unhealthy and that they were part of the occult...and apparently they were instilling some bad mantra into her and she had gotten a heightened sense of fear. She went on to cite having a panic attack over a spider and that she was told she was arguing lately as the reasons she asked about the book... Ok, first of all, do you hear what you're saying? You're claiming that a book written by a stay at home soccer mom, about the romance between a teenage girl and a teenage vampire (That is my understanding at least, I could be off) is letting loose bad spirits and thus making you a little irritable?...really?...a fucking book? The kicker is she was so excited and had gone to a release party for the last book in the series and had a great time...and then I hear she is no longer gonna read these books because a woman who lives "by the Book" says it's got some bad juju surrounding it? Does anyone else see how fuckin' dumb this sounds? Ok, I'm going to stop there before it gets personal and I begin to attack the integrity, morals, ethics and character of a person who I don't know.

I'll conclude with one last thought I have.

If you live your whole life by a book (that has been passed down and translated into so many languages that it has very possibly lost the original meaning written in it) in hopes that it gets you into heaven and you can enjoy your afterlife...then why bother living your present life at all?
____________
Final note: I'm not an atheist by any means, although I'm not sure if you'd call me agnostic either...but I do have a brain and a heart and I'd prefer to use those to make my own decisions along with common sense.

Seeking solace in the tears of my downfall.

Ran out into the rain, away from all my fears,
It masked my obvious pain, it washed away my tears.
----
Took back the reigns and hopped in the saddle,
determined to gallop through and win this losing battle.

Tonight, tonight.

Nothing's as calming or peaceful to me,
and when this very evening ceases to be,
I'll lock up my mind, just you wait and see that darkness is the keeper of my skeleton key,
when she arrives knowing just what I need, she'll unlock my smile, as my thoughts have been freed.

...an exit to eternal summer slacking.

[All*StaRs! are sitting on a backyard deck in a horseshoe shape around a small fire with the opening facing a set of stairs that lead up to the back porch]
Nick Murphiez: "...and what better night to start drowning my sorrows than this beautiful summer night...AND in the company of these...my true family, right?" (raises his Sprite)
All*StaRs (toasting in unison): "family!"
Mike Standards: "Just let go man. Listen...closely...as the silence is drowned out by the warm summer air gently whispering sweet nothings into your ears."
(rest of All*StaRs! collectively groan)
Mike Standards: "What?...Hey fuck you if I'm not John fucking Mayer."
Scotty Starr: (laughs flamboyantly)"Not John Mayer? No thank you!"
(a few seconds of silence pass as they all drink)
Colton Aledridge: "It's intoxicating (points to can) really...(laughs sarcastically) See what I did there?"
Nick Marshalls (cutting in just as Colt says "there?"): "...it almost seems as if there's nothing better to do than to slowly drink away your thoughts, your emotions...these feelings."
Murphiez (slowly raises can as if unsure and then slowly lifting his shoulders and hands in questioning fashion): "To...being ...numb?"
All*Stars (look around, think for a few seconds look at each other, nod as if agreeing then collectively toast): "Numbness!"
(A few seconds of silence pass)
Nick Murphiez (snickering): "What the fuck have I missed?..."
Alisson Cheynes (quietly walking down the stairs onto the deck during the conversation): "Everything, my dear hero...Everything."
(All*StaRs! all look up and then stare in disbelief)

--------------------------------------------
From Chapter 26 - 'Subtracting the Addition of These Addictions'

"I'm hungry, Let's get a taco."

So I wasn't able to sleep well the past two nights so I decided to sketch up a poster just for something to do. Well, it escalated to a drawing and then it turned into a full fledged project. I decided I'd make a frame and such and I decided that the shading wasn't working so I'd have to paint it. Well after much careful and tedious work on it, I'm very close to completion. Here's a few pics of it, I hope you enjoy...
By the way, it came out a million times better than I could ever had hoped or imagined. :D

Overview before the corner of the trunk:

The title with the newly added blood spatter.:

Mr. Blonde, Mr. White and Mr. Pink:

A closeup with the trunk now painted in:

...and finally a side by side comparison:


----
I will update it with the finished piece when it's fully dried and matted.
:)
----
Update!

A close-up of the Title panel:

An overview before the "frame":

Framed (no flash):

Framed (with flash):

A portrait style angle:

Absolut Love.

Tied the noose all by himself,
not too loose, it just reached the shelf.
Above him was the absolute best
His friends, family, all of the rest,
As they looked down on him from above,
He'd feel their burning undeserved love
What they missed was the heart he'd mirror back,
His blood and his passion, tightly entwined, no slack.
It'll keep him below where, forever he'll gasp for air
Until he stops his unrelenting care, he'll selflessly suffocate hanging there.

An Excerpt From Confidential Confidence

Growing up, everyone dreams of being someone or doing something to leave their mark. Some make those dreams reality, while others accomplish goals that are "good enough"...
And then there are those who set out to start one life and inadvertently create new opportunities all the while never accomplishing their life dream.
So what about that guy? The one who did everything he could to get where he wanted, but while he helped many others, he got no recognition for it.
He stayed a quiet, frail, eccentric loner and an oblivious dreamer...
A faceless, nameless, unspoken (virtually unknown) savior to many, but a failure to himself and all who knew him. The ones who gained the most from his failures never would question how or why they were who they were...and neither would he.
An excerpt from Chapter 1 - Confidential Confidence (The Post-Prologue)

Genius

I was recently sent this quote of/by a French novelist and thought it made perfect sense:


"To be stupid, and selfish, and to have good health are the three requirements for happiness; though if stupidity is lacking, the others are useless."
Gustave Flaubert (1821-1880)

"Brutal Honesty"

Oldest got wisdom and brains, he uses them well
Youngest got strength, charisma and chances to rebel.

The other one got love and useless artistic “ability”,
“plagued” by his diagnosis, he embraced his futility
He bitched and moaned hiding behind the joke he'd become,
Knowing he was at fault, but blaming everyone else and then some.
Deep down inside he thrived on the agony he fought through,
he could blame everything on it, whether or not it was true
He lives his days in darkness with a “sick” view on reality
and he's constantly avoided for his "pessimistic" mentality
He despises the fire that ignites his depression
but the blaze is fueled by that combustible aggression.
Refreshed and calmed by the pouring rain,
A split second later, he remembers his pain
sits on the floor, he tries to complain
rocks back and forth, I'm clinically insane,
It all starts and ends inside of my brain,
one between my teeth and I'm nothing but a stain,
on the walls, on the floor, but that'll go away they'll find
But the disgrace I've already brought is always on their minds;
"A child so full of joy, then his actions hurt us, no warning, reason or rhyme"
That's the stain that will never go away, even with the bleach of time.
If I kill myself tonight it'll confirm the fears they wanted to hide.
I'm a natural born loser, quitter, and embarrassment even when I died

Confusion

It shouldn't be hard to understand my confusion,
the explanation's in my eyes, behind my illusions.
If you ask me, I'll open them, but look past the tears,
See deep inside and open your ears, As sad as it is,
you'll be the first one who hears, my songs, my thoughts, my pain, my fears.
It's a disorienting world, but you'll know where to go,
follow your heart, your mind, your soul.
When you've reached the end of my mind, you'll finally understand,
Why I filled with tears when you warmly took my hand.
I'd been alone all my life, so I didn't know what love meant,
I'd sacrificed my emotions to keep everyone else content.
I still have no clue, so love to me is still just a word.
I've seen it in writing, paintings and in the song's I've heard.
Not having felt it myself, I'd known nothing more than being "just a friend"
But, I'll take that over nothing and still fight for your life 'till the end.

The defining moment in this blog, a moment of clarity if you will.

"Suiciduality All*StaR!"- a term used to describe someone dealing with severe depression who is very often mistakenly made out to be suicidal. Made up of a combination of suicide/suicidal and duality.

Suicide - The act of killing yourself.
Suicidal - The general "mood" (or mindset) of contemplating killing yourself.
Duality - in this case meaning the act of (sanely but intentionally) having two different sides or personalities ("faces").
All-star - Being unanimously one of the best.

...So put together you get a person who appears to be depressed and suicidal on the outside, but is actually quite content or even happy and in their right mind when you get to know them. Ultimately being one of the best at hiding his true feelings, and being so educated in his ways that he is possibly starting to give in to the feelings and temptations of heavy depression. Realizing that there maybe more truth to his disguise than just a way to keep his "true" feelings from being exposed...

Bipolar much?

Well, apparently I've been led into a false sense of happiness...again. I guess it was too good to be true. I mean, for a second there I actually thought that I was better and becoming happy. You got me again life, such a jolly joker, for a second there I thought you'd given up fucking with me because it was too easy 'cuz I'm so fuckin' gullible...I guess not. Well, thanks for the week or so of hope, it was fun while it lasted...back to sleep.

Naked but that belt.

So since I've been on this Say Anything kick, one line has been stuck inside my head, and I've given it A LOT of thought. The line is from the song 'Belt'. The line is "naked but that belt around my waist". Now, the truth is, I've never really thought much about it until recently. I've decided to take it as a sign, somewhat of a rebirthing for my life.
My use of it is this: I'm shedding my disguise, what people wanted me to be, I'm done pleasing them. I'm taking off my mask and showing my new self...naked in a sense. I'm only keeping with me what kept me from exposing myself to the world...my belt.

I'm feeling better now then I have in quite a while. My heart is healing, I can wake up and smile and enjoy the weather, seeing my family, and just generally smile and not fake the happiness behind it.

AIMing for a new life:

NakedButMyBelt

All I need to know, I've learned from Morpheus!

Words of wisdom:
"To be positive at all times is to ignore all that is important, sacred or valuable. To be negative at all times is to be threatened by ridiculousness and instant discredibility."

My takes/understanding:

Explanation-
...So, you're either an ignorant liar who has created a warped reality to be "happy" or you're "insane" for seeing things as they actually are...

Matrix style explanation-
The blue pill might be sugarcoated and have candy-like sweetness, but you only have to take ONE red pill to understand why blue pills aren't worth the price of the pain in the end...kick the addiction sooner rather than later...
----
sXe

otnemeM

I'm a depressive pessimist and fuckin' bipolar
She's amazingly beautiful, and I can't control her.
Forgetting she's his now, I'm smiling, everything's great,
I see those eyes, that hair, her halo, I can't wait.
I feel like Sammy Jankis when I feel her embrace,
momentarily ecstatic, my heart quickens its pace.
It will end in heartbreak, but this time will it heal?
I now know she's gone, I'd forgotten how this feels.
She'll walk away happy with him arm in arm,
I'll lay in bed crying, contemplating self harm.
I wrote this pussy poem instead of bleeding tonight,
Finished it in darkness, too scared of the light.
'cuz I'd look in the mirror and see my fears,
The gates to my soul, dripping my tears.
I'm sick of this love shit and I've had my fill,
I have to block out these feelings and so I will.
I'll see her again, though I have no clue when,
you can bet when I do though, I'll pick up a pen.
Write another emo poem, and add it to the list,
or even be like Lenny, and ink it to my wrist.
That way I'd never forget this feeling of pain,
And all of these poems weren't written in vain.

...the best part of waking up is...?

When I wake up, whether it be from a nap or from my night's sleep, either way, I'm always disappointed. It's not because I had a good dream and woke up in the middle, it's because I just dread waking up. Everyday is more of the same, wake up alone, feel sorry for myself all day and then go to sleep again...sometimes I throw a nap in the mix as well.
Is it that I want more in life?
Is it that I'm unappreciative of the life I have?
Is it that I simply have nothing left to keep me going?
Maybe it's all of it. the first thought when I wake up is "Fuck! Not again!?" and the last thought before I go to sleep is "let it be over soon". Many people hear this and think it's just me being depressive and "emo". That might be part of the case, but the other part of it is my pain...mental, emotional and physical. And yes, physical. I am in constant pain, I have frequent (almost constant) migraines and my lower back is in excruciating pain constantly. I've forced myself to fight through it and ignore it or at least live with it. I'm 100% against pain killers and anything of that sort and I don't even take aspirin, ibuprofen, advil or anything like that. I'm firmly opposed to "randomly" medicating, and I have quite a few legit reasons to take that position. I was heavily hopped up on medication from the age of 12 'till about 18. I was living as a zombie and had a false sense of security and reality. It made me gain over 100 lbs., and all but killed me. Socially as well as education wise I'm pretty much useless as well. Having dropped out of school, I lost contact with my peers and pretty much anyone who I could potentially be friends with. I missed out on prom, graduation, and pretty much any adolescent "phases". I honestly believe that if I killed myself back then, it would have been better for me. Being on all that medication has ruined my life. There are instances now of kids who were taking these meds for extended periods of time and they have now become sterile and even developed worse disorders and illnesses resulting in death or even crippling them and rendering them vegetables. It disgusts me to think that people and doctors think that by fucking around with random chemicals and shit and having kids take them that it will help them. It's a "guess and check/wait and see" method with medication, and it's scary. There were some medications that I took that supposedly had the opposite effect than what was desired...and it was at that point when I was on the brink of suicide. Maybe that's part of the reason I've decided to make the choice of staying sober and clean. It just sickens me hearing about all of these new drugs they are pumping into kids hoping it will help them, and their parents are just looking for their kids to "get better", so they'll try anything...absolutely disgusting...

"September 2nd"

I'm her best friend, her "problem solver",
I'm that voice that whispers "put down the revolver".
With one in each chamber, you tell me you'll do it,
Take all but one out and play some roulette,
Pull it four times, walk away if you choose,
One more time, do it, you "can't lose",
You've wasted your life complaining to me,
I tell you you're wrong, and I can't agree.
You tighten your grip and ease onto the trigger,
Responsibilities are big, but your problems are bigger,
Your family and friends don't have a clue,
What would they say if they only knew.
The pain you feel nobody knows,
One in the head, and away it goes.
It hurts so bad, but you put down the gun,
You apologize to me, and say that it's done,
The path to recovery has just begun,
A long road ahead, it won't be fun.
So here we are, in for the long haul,
On the way down, don't bother to call,
I'll already be there, and won't let you fall,
Kick you in gear, won't let you stall.

I didn't expect years after that you'd remember,
that hot summer night beginning September.
The journey you started that night to get well,
keeping quiet your pain and personal hell.
I'm ecstatic to hear your new state of mind,
I don't even care that you've left me behind.
I'm still your friend at the end of the day,
I'll be here forever no matter what you say,
It's a rare volunteer "job" that actually pays,
by knowing I'm your fall guy, forever and always.

Laughter...the good kind of pain.

I've found that one of the greatest feelings in life is when you laugh so hard you can't breathe, your sides hurt, and maybe even just enough to cry. It's probably the only feeling that even though it hurts and you cry, it never gets old, and you can never get enough of. It's gotta be one of those things that just happens and it's not a feeling that can be forced or replicated.
I miss that feeling.

Progressively worse...

I wake up alone, but she's asleep beside me,
I stand up alone while she stares right by me.
I sing in the shower, she's in all my songs,
She doesn't know the words, but she still sings along.
The passion put in them about how I'm wrong,
The energy and emotion I'd missed while she's gone.

It hurt to walk away
Still looking toward that day
when she's in my arms again,
I know how long it's been,
I'll cry until the end,
or least 'til the day when...

One leg at a time, I pull on my jeans,
Just like everyone else, whatever that means...
I put on my ankh, and throw on a shirt,
that keeps my life, that masks my hurt.
I grabbed a pen and scribbled a note,
"This world is ours" is what I wrote.
Under that I drew a smile, but crossed it out and thought for a while...

"What am I doing?!" I wanted to yell, but then comes my jacket and I'm back in my cell.
I'm in an eight by eight square, it's a living hell.
I'm here for eternity, good behavior'd be swell,
but, life without parole I'll serve just as well.

Follow me yet, or should I keep going?
I could write forever and ever without ever slowing,
Like the wind in a hurricane, I'll keep right on blowing,
My angst breaks through the dam, and keeps right on flowing,
watering my flowers of pain, it keeps that inspiration growing,
I'll write 'till I'm senile, powerful, all-knowing
I'll write 'till my end or 'till I physically can't,
'till these fingers fall off I'll continue to rant,
This world jacked full of hate will only get worse
The reason I look forward to ride in that hearse,
Writing this shit is my favorite curse,
It does me no good, so I'll end with this verse...

I'm dining alone, tonight, rat poison for dinner! So goodnight!

Why is it so hard to move on from my past? Am I destined to stay a straight edge zero forever? I've spent my time since my last post reflecting on my life and trying to find out what makes me so fucked up. I'm still searching for that reason to go on. Maybe my reason to stay awake is to continue this never-ending hopeless wild goose chase to find the true me. My reason to live is to find the reason to live. That's my obligatory "emo/depression" life update for this post...


I've been taking time to even further expand my musical taste. I've listened to GG Allin, who was quite possibly one of the most vile, disgusting, and despicable humans to ever call himself a musician, and his garbage and other copycat trash are probably the only type of music that I will never listen to and think it's anything more than utter shit.(run on sentence or not, it's the way I feel) I've even found some really bad (and quite rare?) quality recordings of a man named Charles Manson...yeah, THE Charles Manson. All I can say about it is "hmmm"...But...

The main reason I've decided to write this is because of the band Say Anything. About 2 years back, I heard a song named 'All My Friends' and I was blown away (little did I know in a short time, that song would become the anthem of my life, find the lyrics, you'll understand). I'd listened to some of their older stuff on Baseball (which just until VERY recently was "shunned" by Max and co.), and it was the perfect mixture of raw emotion and music. I picked up "...Is a Real Boy" and I loved it. Max's lyrics and their emotion and pure "angst" for lack of a better term kicked me in the shins and made me realize that there are still great minds among us who can write great music.
I saw them perform 'Shiksa (Girlfriend)' on Conan the other night and I was blown away with the band's presence. They just had so much energy and emotion behind them playing and I decided I had to go get their new 'In Defense of the Genre' album. It, just like 'Baseball' and '...Is a Real Boy' before it, blew me away. I can't say enough about these guys. They deserve any bit of fame they get. They have a great sound and amazing chemistry in all their songs, and I hope they get real far in the music world. That's my two cents on the subject...
___
"The futile, the futile, it outweighs the beautiful"

EPIC "x2"

Motorcycle Drive By

So I went down to Stonehill University to see Absentstar and Third Eye Blind Friday night. The whole experience and atmosphere of smaller venue concerts like that are something that I can never tire of. It was just so energetic and passionate that it blew my mind. The reason I've decided to write this blog is because of a song that Third Eye Blind performed. That song is "Motorcycle Drive By". I had always enjoyed the song before, but just hearing them play it live and feeling the emotion of Stephan Jenkins and the crew along with the crowd singing along... It just made me so...I don't even know how to explain it. It has always been a song that I've thrown on when I feel down. Now after hearing and seeing it live, the song has taken on new life. It was just so amazing to hear all the people sing "I've never been so alone, I've never been so alive" with the guys. They introduced the song by saying that it was about stealing the orange cones off the side of the road...To me it means so much more though...

Here's a recording of the song from a different show, but it captures the same raw emotion and passion I mentioned.




Here's a video of Semi Charmed Life from the actual concert I went to, so you can get a feel of the "intimate" setting...





______
"I've never been so alone, I've never been so alive"
'Motorcycle Drive By' - Third Eye Blind

Nothing

I've got nothing left, nothing to gain but more suffering and pain, I've decided to take a break from everything and everyone to try and find why the fuck I should keep going, or even if I should at all. I try to be nice to everyone and try to help them through their problems the best I can, but it always turns around and hurts me more. Stop using me for help and then spitting in my face as you walk away. You got what you wanted, just leave. I'd elaborate, but I'm too fucked over to even care. I'm sick of these "motivational" lectures and "God loves you, find him" discussions. That is all.

Memoirs of a straight edge Zer0

Listen to me while you turn your back
It's not even about you, matter of fact.

This isn't a love song to help you through,
I'm not writing lullabies for our youth
This is no suicide note I've wrote to you,
It's simply a fool's way of telling the truth.

I come before you sick and in pain,
I'm locked up, drugged, called insane
with nothing left to gain,
I've only lost my pain.
The cloud in my head clears
I'll be this zombie for years
It's a pool I'm willing to swim in
Dip my toes shallow to begin

Listen to me while you turn your back
It's not even about you, matter of fact.

This isn't a love song to help you through,
I'm not writing lullabies for our youth
This is no suicide note I've wrote to you,
It's simply a fool's way of telling the truth.

Listen to me while you turn your back
It's not even about you, matter of fact.

I come before you a man who's broken
thrashed and torn by the words you've spoken
with nothing left to lose
I missed my chance to choose
maybe my nothing is something of value
I've thought it through, you know it's true,
It's a lie I'm willing to live for
nothing's enough for me anymore

Listen to me while you turn your back
It's not even about you, matter of fact.

This isn't a sad song to help me through,
I'm not writing lullabies for our youth
This is no suicide note I've wrote to you,
I'm simply a fool for telling the truth....

...simply a fool for believing in you.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry....
I'm not who you wanted,
who you needed,
who you'd like me to be,
who you'd kiss,
who you'd hug,
who you'd love,
who you'd fuck,
who you'd have and hold.
who you care for,
who you'd cry for,
who you'd live for,
who you'd die for,
who you'd kill for,
who you'd do anything to protect...
.x.X.x.
I'm sorry your feelings aren't mutual...

Hmm...

'Growing up, everyone wants to be famous. They want to be known for something or want to be a part off something big. Not me, I didn't want to be a part of something big. I didn't want to be a role model, I never dreamed of living edge and having kids admire me for it. It was the way I lived, I didn't care if anyone else agreed or respected me for it, it was for me. I didn't do it for a pat on the back, or to get attention for being a good kid and staying clean. I did it for me, I did it for my future, I did it to survive and hopefully one day live out my life as a regular working stiff, a good father, and a good husband. I'd rather be a guy with a loving family, a healthy marriage and a job to provide with than...
As Nicky got older and became more mature, something happened and it changed him...he thought to himself "I did it, I found it, and I'll need nothing more"..."This is it, I've found it, This is what Boston Dreams for..."
When Nicky's life ended so abruptly, he never got to say goodbye, his friends, family and loved ones always wondered why,
Why had he been so protective of this dream, was it something he'd found or something he'd seen? What excited him most was the thought that he'd help everyone, but the evils that be had taken that excitement and made it into hatred. It was all about the money...it's always ONLY about the money...'

The Vicious Cycle

I've been sick from the start
of your tricks on my heart.
I'm sick of the lies you've spoken,
and sneakin' 'round hearts you've broken.
You've had your fun, don't act stunned,
you've stolen my heart and now we're done.
You turn and you run, as the tears 've begun,
mascara and blood become a river of one,
the blood of your sins have covered your hands,
symbolic of the hearts you've crushed into sand.
The black from your eyes runs down your face,
showing your true feelings of pain and disgrace.
The life you lead is not one you've chosen,
It stems from your innocence long ago stolen.
Your heart was broken at the hands of a liar,
He held you and told you “my love is like fire”,
His passion was burning, heart filled with desire.
When he left you that day and told you goodbye,
you felt lost and alone, but too scared to cry.
It hurt so much you hoped you would die,
they warned you he'd lie, but you gave him a try.
He hurt you so bad, you never once blamed him,
He left you in darkness, your lights had been dimmed.
No, you blamed yourself and everyone around you,
You'd felt that pain, and now they'll feel it too.
It'll make you feel better, it has to, it must!
So you've broken their hearts and stomped 'em to dust,
You wear that dust like glitter on your face,
Most girls wear make-up, but not in your case.
You leave bits of glitter at every guy's place,
'Till all of it's gone with none left to waste.
Is it better now? Is your heart healed?
Nope, and it's “even worse than the pain that they must feel”...
'Cuz you're hurting bad, and you don't know why.
You feel lost and alone, and too scared to cry.
It hurts so much you hope that you'll die..
That's when I saw you, in tears, walk by,
They warned me you'd lie, but I gave you a try.
I saw your true beauty when I looked in your eyes
Something was wrong, though I didn't know what,
Couldn't put my finger on the feeling in my gut.
As life's progressed your hatred's become heated,
but you'll never learn, and the cycle's repeated...

I'm glad you're perfect! Gold star for you!

The saying about taking a bullet for your friend is very well know. It's said quite a bit, and sometimes it seems more like something that friends say and would probably not really act on. More of a formality of sorts, I guess. The reason I bring this up is because I've been thinking about how people react to suicide. The "coward's way out" or "the most selfish thing you can do" are thrown around quite a bit. I love the people who say they can't respect someone for killing themselves. It always gives me a good laugh. You also hear "strong" people saying that they should take it like a man, stick it out for their family and friends. I just think it's so great that other people can judge stuff like that when they don't half the bullshit that causes it. Who the fuck are you to tell someone their life's work is wasted because they killed themself?
Dose anyone EVER think about what that person was going through, or their reason? No, they don't. Fuck you if you think they did it to get recognition and be known. How the fuck do they enjoy being known if they're dead? People are so damn narrow-minded and stupid nowadays it makes me sick. It' beautiful to see that all these people's lives are so amazing that they can criticize other's choices and talk down to the dead. Haha, all you can do is laugh at their ignorance.
If I were to take my own life, which is a very real possibility, I can compare that to taking a bullet for the ones that I hold close...and my friends. Think about it, I'm saving them from my constant disappointments and me letting them down. It's kinda like I'm saving them from the pain I have/will cause(d) them. I'll take a bullet for them and die, while they get to live their life and not suffer alongside my depressing existence. makes perfect sense to me. Would I still be a coward running away from my problems?...or would I be a hero for stopping the BIG problem in other's lives?...myself. So I ask of you, please, the next time you hear of someone killing themselves, remember how perfect you are and how you've never done anything wrong, and how you could never possibly be that selfish...then go swallow a knife you fucking ignorant bastard. What if you were to find out later that your name was mentioned in their suicide note? Are they still selfish because they spared your life and instead of dealing with the awe-inspiring enigma that you see yourself as, they committed suicide? They could have just as easily killed you and then themselves, but no, they decided not to take your bullshit anymore and take themself out, and allow you to shine on. Prick.
---
"Thank goodness you're perfect, I was worried for a second that we ran out of self-righteous dickheads, thanks for filling in!"

Not much, but it's something.

Just a small piece I wrote a little while ago. Nothing special, but it's something.

I'd give you a gun,
but I know you'd be scared...
I'll do this myself...
So your life is spared...
Before you leave, I'll tell you a story
I'll point out the stars and tell of their glory,
I'll make a comparison between love and the moon,
Then she'll run along, I lie: " It'll be over soon",
As shes leaves, and disappears from sight,
The tears I'd fought back with all of my might,
cascade down my face as I prepared to fight.
I took out my knife and buried the blade,
fell to the ground and that's where I laid,
I prayed I would die, and prayed and prayed.
I could picture my grave, but no headstone, no flowers...
I opened my eyes for the first time in hours,
sat straight up and looked around
threw off the covers while I felt my heart pound
I fell to my knees and started to cry,
Looked out my window and towards the sky.
I screamed and I cried and then wiped my eyes.
To most it'd be an awful nightmare of course.
But to me, it's a happy dream, for my life is far worse.
---

I've been trying to take my mind off of everything and try to find my reason to keep going. I'm just searching for that one small bit of hope, that one reason to keep going, no matter how small it is....I can only hope I find it soon.

--

"I can’t face myself when I wake up
And look inside a mirror
I’m so ashamed of that thing
I suppose I’ll let it go
Until I have something more to say for me
I’m so afraid of defeat
And I’m out of reasons to believe in me
I’m out of trying to defy

I’m so afraid of the gift you give me
I don’t belong here and I’m not well
I’m so ashamed of the lie I’m living
Right on the wrong side of it all

Hold me now I need to feel complete
Like I matter to the one I need..."

- "The Gift" by Seether

untitled

I don't have any poems, no lyrics to songs, and no pictures this time. There will be no cryptic message, no catchy rhyming scheme. There will be no sugar coated way of saying this, so here goes.
I'm depressed. Now I don't mean I'm sad, I don't mean I'm sick. I mean I'm flat out depressed. When I wake up in the morning all I can think is why? What the fuck else do I have to accomplish before I die. Why must I be put through this hell again. I go to bed begging that I die. There's not much I can do right, and there's even less that matters. I've decided that I won't kill myself...not yet. I want to see just how bad I can hurt, just how sick I can feel. It's more of a way to see how I strong I really am. It's not some "I like pain" feeling. it's not a way to make me feel alive, it's not even a way to "punish me for my sins in life". It's just my way of seeing that if everything happens for a reason, let's see this reason. Let's see how "worth it" my "not easy" life is. I don't cut myself, I don't self mutilate, I just live. I don't know what else to do. Is there some big picture that I'm not seeing? Is there something more that I can do to help someone and then I'll die? I just don't know anymore. I'm alone mentally, physically, and emotionally, and that's not fun. Please, if you have any suggestions on what I should do, let me know. I'm not going to take pills, or drink. Therapy nor medication has helped, and it won't. Don't give me the you just didn't give it a chance bullshit. I did give them a chance, 10 years of a chance. Fuck it. I'm heading to sleep now, maybe I'll get my wish and never wake up. Even if I don't wake up, I'll probably stay in bed for awhile. I have no reason to get up, so what's the point? So, in the ideal situation that I don't wake up, thanks for reading...

Broken Promises...

I'm sorry, but I can take this no longer. I see many people for some reason like this quote, and I'm here to ask why?...
"No one said it would be easy, they only said it would be worth it."
I'd like to meet this "they" and kick their teeth down their throat. Explain how a 7 year old kid who gets hit by a drunk driver and dies instantly is worth it. Explain how a 7 year old kid who gets hit by a drunk driver and then is a vegetable 'til the end while the driver walks free to maim again is worth it.
Being positive is one thing. Giving people false hope and lying to them telling them it'll be OK, when you have no fucking clue that it will, is something I can't respect.
Don't tell me I'll be fine, or that I'll make it through, if you don't know that for sure. You honest people are completely oblivious to the fact that that is a blatant lie. It's one thing to be there for someone and make sure they get through OK, but it's a cop-out to say it and then not help them through. If someone is hurting, help them, don't just tell them positive things to cheer them up. If you really care about someone, and they're hurting, make sure that you are there to kick their ass back into gear. If you aren't going to be there for them any time, then how can you call yourself a friend?
"I'm here for you, so if you need anything, let me know."
No, if you were here for me, you'd meet me face to face and help me through. Saying that phrase shouldn't be a formality, it should be a promise. Don't say it if you're not going to back it up. I won't think anything less of you if you don't say it to me, say "I hope you feel better" or whatever, but don't lie. If you say it and then don't back it up, then I will think less of you.
Enjoy your Friday night.
---
"You're no superhero, I found in the end" - "Lie To Me" by 12 Stones

Missed opportunities?

Did I miss my chance at my one true love?
Did I shrug off that angel from above?
Did I leave her alone and not even know?
Is she hiding her pain deep below?
Is she closer than I could have thought?
Will she get away without being caught?
Is she hurting and no one's there
while I hurt and no one cares?
Is she hiding in the shade?
Is her cover of darkness one that I've made?
Have I lost my mind and gone insane?
Have all these poems been written in vain?
If I wrote millions more, what would I gain?
Have they been written to mask the pain?
Shift the focus from her over time,
Will she perish or finally be mine?
I talk of my pain and heartache
and complain of the happiness I have to fake.
Have I overlooked my one true love?
It's the story of life, and it is never fair,
but this is my curse, my cross to bear.

Mic Check...Check...1...2...

Teenage angst has paid off well
Now I'm bored and old
Self-appointed judges judge
More than they have sold

If she floats than she is not
A witch like we had thought
A down payment on another
One at Salem's lot

Serve the servants - Oh no
That legendary divorce is such a bore

As my bones grew they did hurt
They hurt really bad
I tried hard to have a father
But instead I had a Dad

I just want you to know that I
Don't hate you anymore
there is nothing I could say
that I haven't thought before

Serve the servants - oh no
That legendary divorce is such a bore

________
This song has always held deep meaning for me. It's up there as one of my favorite Nirvana songs. This is actually the first song I heard years ago when I was feeling down, and it got me thinking. What the hell does he mean. This was the beginning of a lifetime of deep thoughts. When I hear a song, I focus more on the lyrics first, while still taking in the whole atmosphere of it. I guess it distracted me just enough to ease the pain for a bit, and I continue to do it subconsciously. It's odd how one person can explain his outlook on life, and make you open your eyes and feel better. Someone very close to me recently did exactly that. He's someone I've ALWAYS looked up to and have known quite a while. I'm proud to say that I've saved the world with him, even if it was only just a game. We've dueled to the death on multiple occasions with dragons, necromancers, ogres, minotaurs, swamp rats, and mages doing our bidding. We've shot each other with the golden gun and both lived to tell about it. We've fought off terrorists and sometimes counter-terrorists together. He taught me to understand the power, strength and awe of Brock Samson. Hell, he even kills zombies in his spare time on weekends. I'm proud to say that I watched him give the valedictorian speech before he crossed that stage. He's the first person to make me cry tears of joy in well over 5 years. He showed me that someone does actually care, and that means a hell of a lot to me.

I'd like to end this post by quoting one of my earlier ones, "Is it crazy to believe that a 5 minute thought and the presence of someone who cares could help a person make a recovery"

"yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive"

Do I have your attention? Do you know what I mean?
Does your life feel like a poorly written scene,
an editorial magazine, or a nightmare of a dream?

Give me a chance I just might surprise you, take it or leave me, You'll start to despise me, you won't believe me.

I tell it like it is,
but I won't let you hurt,
even after you've run my heart through the dirt.

I'm here for you always, so know it's true, I'm your problem solver, so use me abuse me and dump me when you're through.


I tell it like it is,
but I won't let you hurt,
even after you've run my heart through the dirt.