"I Hate Myself And Want to Die"

The title of this blog is the name of a [lesser known] Nirvana song. The story behind the name is that Kurt wanted to poke fun at how everyone thought he was suicidal. The song lyrics made no clear mention of anything even remotely close to the title. That's what fascinates me about him. He was such a free spirit that even (close to) 14 years after his death, he is still so widely debated. his lyrics were so simple, and to the average ear who wouldn't think about the lyrics, it'd be just odd lyrics. There is so much speculation about his songs having double meanings (this is also true with Layne Staley and Jerry Cantrell's styles of Alice In Chains). No one can really say for certain nowadays what each song meant or the meanings, if any, behind the lyrics, but everyone still tries to make sense out of them (he had explained some of the lyrics before, but was he telling the truth, or was he makin' up stories to tell the heavily despised media?). Are people looking way too far into it? Are people giving him too much credit for thinking of "nonsensical" lines strung together, when the songs were nothing more than just that? Was he fooling us all and there was such an easy explanation for each song? I don't have the answers to any of those questions, and to tell you the truth I'd rather not find them out. I think it would take away the mystery that surrounded the legend of Kurt.

After watching About A Son a few times, I've renewed my interest in the mysteries surrounding Kurt Cobain. If I ever DID find out the truth behind him and all of the the other bullshit, I'm not sure I would tell anyone about it anyway...

The possible cryptic nature of his songs interests me even more now because of the writing style I've become accustomed to. I've always had a sense of mystery or uncertainty to my work. I feel it tends to help people remember them better. It provokes thought process which I guess is also a type of subliminal messaging. If I hear a song with "off" lyrics, it makes me think about their true meaning. It might be because I always analyze things WAY too much, or maybe it's because music is my life, and I enjoy doing it. Either way, it helps me try to relate to the writer and try and understand their mindset and personality. I've always been fascinated by people, and I've made a habit of trying to read people by their actions. You'd be amazed how much you can learn by watching people's mannerisms. Watch their facial expressions, study their hand movement habits, are they looking you in the eyes? Are they changing their habits partway through the conversation? If so, listen to the tone of their voice, and watch what they do with their feet. It's something I've been working with since I was young. I've become very good at listening and "profiling", if you will. it's not to belittle people, it' just something I just do. Most of the things I've grown accustomed to are due to my bipolar disorder. I have quite a few OCD qualities about me. They used to be quite a hardship, but over time I've learned to deal with them and put them to good use. That's pretty much my random post for the night, so hopefully someone cares. I'm going to end with a quote from a great guy who died way too young. (I've mentioned him in another post, the one about drinking). This is for you Marsh:

"So I'm standing there, and this knucklehead's lecturing me on how I should act the way Steve tells me to, because someday I'll be glad he's on my side... I was just about to ask him who Steve was and why he decided to tell me all this randomly. I mean he could have picked any other person on the T, but I'm his target...when THE greatest thing happened. He looks me in the eye and goes, "Hold on man, some homeless kid is standing here and staring me down. It's really creeping me out, I'll call you back.". he kept gawking at me and yells in a total outside voice, "WHAT?!". I did what any other "homeless" kid would do in that situation...I asked him for change, and when he gave me a dollar, I asked if he needed help finding his way down the yellow brick road to the Oz that is God. He totally caught me off guard when he said yes, so I gave him his dollar back, and got off at the next stop. I never bluffed on the T again. I also started taking showers, I changed my clothes more frequently, and brushed my hair and shaved my beard...Moral of the story...if you're homeless, you need a gimmick to make money...or be able to think REAL quick on your feet." - "'Epic' Nicky Marsh"
Rest in Peace buddy, Hopefully you get to fight all the "busty ninja vampire witches with obsidian katanas" all night long and then buy each one of them a giant 'OK Soda' float.