A Fire Inside

My flames have died down, the water's been poured,
They've stomped out the embers, I guess they got bored.
The fire which once warmed them, was forced to burn out.
Now that it's gone, they'll miss it no doubt,
They'll walk on forever, leaving ashes behind them
They'll forget who they were, no one to remind them
They'll shamelessly shiver in this frigid cold weather,
Not knowing they were the glue that held me together.
They were what kept me alive, bringing my spirits higher.
My friends were what continuously fuelled this ever-fading fire.


Up until very recently, I had written off my friends as unreliable and unpredictable to the point where they had become predictable. I'd make plans and get excited and then minutes before, they would cancel on me or rain check it. Honestly, it pissed me off to no end, and now that I've begun to look back and think about it, I mean really think it through, I've found the truth. I've been blaming all of my problems and inadequacies in my life on my friends. Now, of course I hadn't come out and said it to their faces, but I sure as hell thought about it. The truth is that my friends and family are THE sole reason I am who I am and me being the unappreciative fuck-up that I am, wasn't paying attention to anything besides my own loneliness and heartbreak.
I'd sit home and either cry and be a bitch about being cancelled on or I'd just sleep everything off, sometimes even cry until I slept things off. I'd like to think I'm past that now, and I'll explain why. I blamed my friends for being unreliable and causing me to just say fuck everything and sleep until I felt better. It's not their fault in the least. It's my own. I'm too nice and I get too emotionally involved in things. I've always been the guy to take everything to heart and worry too much. Those may be things I can't control because they're my personality and how I am. What I can control is not getting down over the small things. Sure I can still feel like shit and forgotten, but what I need to do after that is get my ass moving again and find some way to further my life and work toward something I want. Every time someone bails on me it's because they either got a better offer or it's because they're doing something to make their future brighter while I sit here and dwell on the fact my life is a downward spiral. I have to get my ass up, dust myself off, swallow my pride and move the fuck on and up.

I love my friends and family to death and I've focused so much time blaming them that I've neglected my own well being. If I'm ever going to get anywhere, I gotta keep my mouth shut, keep my eyes forward and keep sprinting toward the finish line and when I get there, run through it as fast as I can, never look back and never stop until I physically can't go on anymore, drop to my hands and knees and keep crawling.

They're not the problem, nor have they ever been. I'm the sole problem in my life and since I've always been that problem solver, it's time to do work.