My Heart Songs Pt. 2

"Angel" by Sarah MacLachlan



There's a few different stories for this song, but I'll just touch upon the main two.

The first is back when I was 13 and was suffering from depression.
I'd decided that I was ready to end my life and rid myself of the relentless and constant pain of everyday life. I'd tried unsuccessfully two times before and decided that this time I'd found a foolproof way.
I laid awake in my room one night, and when my brother, who I shared my room with, was sound asleep, my parents and older brother had both gone to bed, I decided it was time. I grabbed my Walkman and headed quietly downstairs to the basement where earlier I had unlocked and kept open a window to slip outside. As I got outside and felt the cool night air on my skin, I put my headphones in and made my way down the hill in my backyard. My house is just a hundred yards from a small pond through some thick woods. I stopped mid stride when I realized that I had no tape in my Walkman and opting not to go back and risk being stopped, I decided that the radio would have to do. I tuned it to a random station which I had thought was a local alternative rock station in hopes that Nirvana, Pearl Jam or Alice In Chains would be on, but this song ended up being on.
For some reason with the mix of the cool damp air on my skin, the sweat pouring down my face, tears from my eyes, my body shaking, this song seemed to be perfect. Then I listened closely to the lyrics and as I sat on the dock of the pond, I broke down and cried while my mind raced; When I opened my wrists and let my life pour out into the water, what would happen? Who would find me? What would their reaction be?
Then I heard, "In the arms of an angel, may you find some comfort here..." and my mind had come to a screeching halt. I was suddenly sitting in the pew of my aunt's service, hearing 'Angels Among Us' and knowing the words, everyone in tears...
I don't remember much after that besides throwing the blade into the pond. I just remember waking up in my own bed in the morning and knowing that I was, in fact, still alive and that it was no dream. It stills brings tears to my eyes every time I think back.
-
Back in October of 2007, the younger sister of a very close female friends passed away in a car accident. It hit me extremely hard and immediately my heart was broken for their family. Her mother is a gorgeous woman and a sweetheart and both of her sisters took after their mother.
The line for her wake was unreal. I had both side pockets and my back pocket stuffed with tissues just in case. the entire wait in line outside, I was smiling, comforting, giving hugs and being used as a tissue, haha. I cracked jokes to get smiles, kissed foreheads and put my arm around some to have them feel a sense of closeness...
All the while inside I was drowning in the tears I was holding back. As we approached the door and I saw young girls and boys filing out by the dozen in tears, yet I still kept my composure. Stepping through the threshold I'd given up on talking because I knew the second I'd say something, my voice would crack and the tears would flow. As we walked past the pictures of this beautiful young girl, I felt my hands my hands begin to shake, my lower lip tremble and my eyes twitching. We then approached a small TV with a DVD player hooked up to it to play a slideshow along to music. The first song played and I still kept my composure, even amidst the cries and sobbing of everyone gathered. My entire being was numb, and for a second I thought to myself, OK, keep it together, we're almost through this...
That's when 'Angel' began to play along to the slideshow. I glanced over to my younger brother as I could feel a single tear begin to fall from each of my eyes and I saw his face. Both of his eyes were wet and as he brushed away tears, spoiling their gentle cascade down his cheeks...
I was 13 years old, on the dock overlooking the moonlit pond. This was the face of who would have found me, tears in his eyes, full of terror, horror, pain, sadness, anger and feelings of complete vulnerability...
That's when the tears flowed freely from my eyes. I wept silently as not to draw attention to myself, although with the sobbing of everyone else, I doubt I'd be noticed, even if I'd screamed at the top of my lungs. We were all their to mourn a beautiful life taken way too soon.

----

This song, there isn't much of a story for me personally behind, but more for my younger brother. Earlier this year one of his closest female friends passed away after extremely strange circumstances and it broke his heart which in turn broke mine for him. Someone had made a slideshow along to a song that described her personality perfectly...
And even though I didn't really know her personally, I still cry when I watch this video especially when the pictures of her and my brother come up:



RIP
Gabby and Catherine
Two lives taken way too soon.