As I've said time and time again, I just love to have fun, go out and enjoy life. Because if you gotta do something all the time and don't have fun, then it's a chore, and we all know that chores get boring fast and are usually pretty quickly left behind. So if you don't do something to make your life enjoyable or interesting, then you're not gonna love life too much, so why bother with it? (Did I just say that? A year ago I was saying that life was worthless, jeez)
I still am not completely happy where I am now in life. I still lay alone at night (technically in the morning/afternoon because I've got a ridiculous sleep schedule) questioning my own existence, why am I unable to find someone who shares my ideals or at the very least can tolerate my silliness and/or ridiculous topics of discussion? Why do so many frown upon my different techniques of thinking, different views on life and seem to condemn me for being who I am?
Recently I've found when I try to carry on a conversation with ANYONE, they quickly lose interest in what I'm saying. I find myself telling an anecdote and the person I'm conversing with, breaks eye contact, scans the surroundings and then begins to wander away. It's extremely frustrating as well as hurtful. I don't get to talk with people much, yet I LOVE doing it. I love to just talk about anything and everything with people, get different views on things, listening to what people have to say...
But it seems lately all that's happening is that I'm listening and then discussing it with myself. I don't understand why. Maybe I'm just so used to talking with myself that I've lost touch with proper conversing habits in reality. I don't really know.
What I do know is that even though I'm enjoying life and appreciating that I'm alive, I'm still lonely. I'm not lonely to the point of desperation, but I do yearn for the warm summer night adventures I had a mere year ago with someone who I'd thought shared some of my ideals...
I miss her laying her head over my heart, nuzzling her nose onto my chest and draping her left arm across my stomach while she fell asleep in my arms. I miss gently kissing her on the forehead before I drifted off as well. I miss opening my eyes and meeting hers gazing into mine. I honestly even miss the way that my elbow used to be sore and tired from it resting under her while we slept. Most importantly though, I miss the company.
Remembering all of that fondly, yet knowing it wasn't true love only makes me want to know what all of that feels like when there's a mutual love involved...
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5 comments:
Agreed severely. I love to have adventures myself and live life as it is suppose to be lived.
Danke for the post, crunchy.
You're entirely welcome! And thank YOU for reading and caring enough to responding! :)
Here's to not being boring! ;)
...the world is our playground, I'll race you to the swingset!
Quite some words...
It's gonna take me a while to cover it all but here we go:
First of all, about your conversations with ppl, i get that too, at least a part of it, and it's pretty much because my lines, after a while, tend to get rather difficult to follow so i mostly get a look that sais "umm... what?" [Of course, i tend to bore ppl to death with "i tend to suck" topics too, but that's another aspect of me]. Anyways, im into talking... a lot of it with as many as possible, because i always find interesting the different points of view other minds can come up with, but i hardly ever find someone to really carry out a conversation with in real life.
Second, i envy you, because u have something to miss. If it does any better to you, i can announce that there's at least one person on Earth that's worse on 'love' chapter [that would be me]. Im not gonna bore you with the details [i, for example, miss something i've never actually had...], but my point is that you can always think that someone there has/had less than you do, even if that only means memories.
So, thanks for the post i guess, i just happened to wander around.
P.S. Excuse any bad typing, wrong tense use or any other grammar mistake in my English, im forever working on it. [Im Romanian]
Oh no, I consider myself VERY lucky to have had a relationship like that, whether it was based on lies and false promises or not. It taught me a lot.
But at the same time, I also envy someone who's NEVER felt the embarrassing and shameful anguish of feeling like you weren't good enough for the truth and that all the heart and time that you put into something that felt real, turned out to be nothing more than a cheap ploy for attention.
I didn't get out of bed (Besides the necessities) for about 3 weeks. I barely ate (ended up losing 8 lbs.), and even though I was laying in bed and completely exhausted, I couldn't fall asleep and when I did, I'd have nightmares and wake up shortly thereafter.
I've never been good at the whole dating thing at all. I've always been kinda bored with the whole 'meet up, ask the same cliché questions (where did you grow up, what are your favorites, etc.), grab dinner, and then do it all again next time' routine. And there's no line outside my door of females who are willing to date me, let alone give me the time of day, haha. I've always tried to make dating more interesting, have different conversations, find new places to go or things to do just to make things more fun. Not that I'm some dating whore though, haha. Like I said above, I just like to have fun and keep life adventurous.
Unfortunately, the love "chapter" (as you put it so well) is one that you can't really write by hand, your heart writes it and you just read it and go with it. As corny and lame as that sounded, it's also true. Love isn't worth rushing into, nor is it worth worrying about. No matter how bad you want it, if you try and force it, you're just gonna make things worse. Besides, they say true love lasts forever. If that's the case, you gotta make sure that it's actually true love before committing life to it. :)
I thank you so much for commenting and just "wandering around". :)
I apologize for writing you all that, but I just kinda went with it.
Don't be so down on being single though, embrace it. You can't control it, so just hang on, enjoy the ride and smile. :)
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“People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.” - Jim Morrison
I have a feeling of deja-vu, like I've read that quote recently somewhere else... weird.
For me Love is a question I still haven't answered.
:) let it be...
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